6 months ago today

Sometimes I feel that if I put these feelings, thoughts and words out here on this blog then I can let go of them just a little bit more.  This day six months ago haunts me more than any other memory.  In a way, I would love to forget it, but then I don't want to forget any memory that has to do with our babies.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and it is like a bad movie stuck on skip replaying over and over again.

The morning started off great.  I went to work completed a few things before running to the convenience store for some sugar and caffeine=Mountain Dew.  I never buy this drink, but I wanted those babies awake and active so we could hopefully find out the sexes. We wanted to begin the fun process of naming them and start planing for them, I was ready to know Pink or Blue.  Was it dresses and bows or drums and guitars in our future. 

I hoped into my brand new minivan and headed to the doctors office.  While in the car, I began calling those who were going to be meeting me.  I can't remember who I called first, but Chris and his mom were running late and Sara was just a few minutes behind me.  I arrived in the waiting room, checked in and sat where I could see the door.  I looked down at my belly, patted it and told my babies, "See you soon!"  (oh how I didn't realize the extent of how soon I truly would be seeing them).  First arrived Sara; I was so excited that at the last minute she was coming with us!  The nurse called me back and I looked at the entrance door one last time before heading to the back, where is Chris!?! 

"Nurse, please, make sure my husband finds us quickly; he can't miss this!!"  

"Did you read my file?  We are having twins!"  

We arrived in the room and the u/s tech began setting up the machine, she put the precious cold jelly on my belly and as the wand was approaching in walks the man of my life, the father to these babies.   

"Whew, hey honey you made it!  No, she hasn't started yet!"

Everyone got settled down, Sara, then Judy (Chris' mom) and Chris.  Chris was so far away, but I wasn't looking at them, I was looking at the screen.

"Nurse, I know you have to do certain things, 
just tell me they have heartbeats and then I will be quiet."

click click

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silence

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click click
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18weeks flashes on the screen (that's not right, I am 19 weeks)
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click click

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16 weeks flashes on the screen (WTF?? this isn't good)

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"Just tell me. I can tell by looking that there is no heartbeats, they are gone aren't they?"
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Nurse looks at me with sad eyes and says, "I'll get the DR and yes they are gone."

Shockwaves go through my body

"no"

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"no"

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"No"

"NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! "

(while stomping my feet on the table and clutching my husband for dear life)

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"I knew it in my heart, I knew they were gone, that something was wrong."

At this point the rest of the day gets fuzzy with crystal clear moments.  I remember burring my head into Chris' shoulder, I remember asking if they were boys or girls, (they thought girls and were wrong).  I knew these twins were too good to be true, that I didn't deserve to be their mother.  I remember asking my sister to call our mom and a woman at my office to let them know I wasn't coming back that day.  I remember closing my eyes and Chris leading me out of the office, out the side door, they didn't want anyone seeing me or was it so I didn't have to see any other pregnant woman.  They gave me 2 little pink pillows to hold.  I remember getting in the car, turning to Chris and saying.  "I have to call Christie".  I remember the joy in her voice when she answered, just busting to know if Camryn was getting girl or boy friends to play with.  I remember the confusion and then tears in her voice after I told her:  "They are gone."  

I remember sitting in my minivan and looking down at my mountain dew, that was purchased by such a different person. I thought about littering that day, that God would understand that I didn't want to look at it, but I didn't.  Why does that even stick in my head, that image of that soda bottle rolling around on the floorboard.  The rest of the day was a blur as I called friends or they called me; as we updated this blog and our facebook statuses.  I remember looking at my belly, lying in bed thinking that they were no longer growing that I would be meeting them the coming weekend, too soon.  I remember wondering what they would look like scared because of the unknown.

You can read the rest of the story in the post here. 

I am still grieving for these boys, they were made by God inside me from parts of me and parts of my husband.   They never got the chance to know how much they would have been loved, but I will tell them one day when I see them again, till then I cling to my remembrance necklace, gaze at the few pictures we have of them and hold close the memories of holding them in my arms