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I HATE MAY

First, the all dreaded Mother's day CRAP is all in force at the stores right now: it is on almost every website that I go to, in the stores (even LOWES--seriously!?!), it has found its way into my mailbox via junk mail, and my email inbox via various emails that I am subscribed too. 

Does the universe need to constantly remind me that I am not a mommy, or at least not being a mommy to celebrate about?  I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MOTHERS DAY ONE BIT!  Sorry Mom, we are not celebrating this year, but I think you understand.

But then how will I feel if no one mentions that I am a mommy too?  It might hurt more...I just don't know.  Basically, I just don't want Mother's Day to happen this year.  I don't want to have to deal with any of it, much less during the month that my baby boys were due.

I want to go back to March and the beginning of April, those months were full of denial and not having to worry and feel this way. 

But time doesn't stop and the clock is ticking down and May will be here soon, which means May 31st will be here soon.  On May 31st, I will not be pregnant and I will no longer be should have still been pregnant.  Then June will be here the next day and with that we will have tried for a baby for 2 years and are still empty armed and now brokenhearted.

I hate May!

my community

There is this amazing community that I have fallen into and become a part of.  I can't describe what a support these women are and how they genuinely care about each other.  I have found women who have gone through EXACTLY what I have gone through losing twins.  There are women who have held their babies during their last breath, women who grieve for babies never conceived.  A friend who found out her baby was gone the same day I found out our twins were gone.  There are women I have never met that pray for me from all over the US and even Australia.  These women are grieving with me, for me, for their own babies.  There are women who have never gotten pregnant, who have tried for years who have gone through medications putting their bodies through treatments over and over again.  Then there are the women who have learned to live after losing their babies.  And of course the women who have lived through all this and have succeeded, have won the lottery.  Women who I have cheered when that pee stick turned pink with double lines!  The women who have finally conceived and birthed a live precious baby.  Women who I have followed through their pregnancy, rejoicing when their baby arrived healthy and whole.  Women who I have prayed for as their babies have been high risk or premature births. Women who decided that adoption was the next step, that a biological child didn't have to be the only way to love.

Tonight, I had the pleasure of speaking with one of my new friends for almost an hour we didn't take a breath as we shared verbally what we had been sharing though our blogs the past year.  We were able to connect in a way that other women may never understand.  Ashley, thank you sweet lady.  I wish you all the best in this next step in your journey and can't wait to get the call when you get your baby.  June is going to ROCK!!! 

yall make me smile

Ladies, thanks for all the comments on my last post!  Yall make me happy, it is like little present, each comment!!   But really,  we need to talk.....is no one going to ask about the awkwardness of our bodies in that picture?  That picture makes me laugh every time I look at it.  I promise lots of more pictures of the finished product...don't forget you can always check up on our process over on my marriage blog! 

click here to check out our red mailbox!

MIA

If you are wondering where I have been......covered in popcorn ceiling and sheetrock dust. 

ve.lveteen rabbit

Have you ever read the book The Ve.lveteen Rabbit?  I loved this story as a child and I haven't read it in a long time, these words hit me this morning as I was re-reading them.  Below is an excerpt from a blog I follow, her words could be mine, but first The Ve.lveteen Rabbit


"What is Real?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

. . .

[The Rabbit] longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.



"If the standard for being Real is someone REALLY loving you, then our twins were most definitely Real. They weren't with us for a long time, but they were most definitely loved for a long time. Since before we even knew they were there.

And what about me? Perhaps our twins didn't - couldn't have - loved me.  But I definitely feel shabby and worn. And, because I loved them so deeply, it hurt. It continues to hurt."Uncomfortable" things happened to me.

Although I wish that these "uncomfortable" things hadn't happened to me, in the end, will they help make me Real?* Or maybe, just maybe, all the while I was bemoaning the fact that I didn't feel like a "real" mother - perhaps the very act of loving the twins made me a Real mother all along?" 



If you would like to read her whole post click here.