i need to stop

I really do need to stop putting in fake temps into my chart...but it is so much fun! FF is giving me a free upgrade trial so I did want to save this chart before it goes away. So the first one is my actual chart(see above). I think my body this month tried to ovulate and then got stressed and had to retry again. Hopefully, this is it for real this time, see below that it thinks I o'ed on the 29th. So, if and i do mean if this chart is right then I can start testing about the 7th of August, 5 days before missed period. That will only be 9dpo and really is too early, after all this research I know better than to waste money testing that early.

I was planning on waiting till 11dpo this month, but I know that I will be drinking at a friends wedding on 10dpo so I will probably test then just to be safe. Not one drop of alcohol will be passing my lips if we are PG! Also, I would really like to know before starting a new work week, so I don't have to turn up at the office with red eyes.
I hate that I am writing this post, I hate that I am obsessing over little temps. I just wish this whole process had been easy for us. My mind drives me crazy! The constantly calculating when I can test, which day is the earliest I can test. Also, if I am PG what I will do...I wont drink at the wedding and I WONT CARE A BIT, who I will tell and when. For instance Elysha will be at the wedding and I will HAVE to tell her. I can't keep it from her. Another thought is when I can tell my grandmother I want to tell her in person that she is going to be a Great-Grandmom!

Can't you tell my brain has ADD and jumping all over the place! If only i get the results I am so desperately praying for.

new therapy treatment

holding little Sophie (1 month old today!) and playing with Jordan (2 1/2)

Thanks Anna for letting me love on your adorable kids!

what is going on??

Ok so the website I enter in my chart to is giving me a free upgrade and I can overlay my charts and look at the past few months with this month. This month is the light blue. So, what is going on with my body? You can see the pink and green were mostly together, but what is this huge dip this month. I have no clue, I am asking the girls on the TTTC (trouble trying to concieve) board hopefully they will have some insight.

I do know that stress and even travel can keep you from ovulating. So if that is the case the stress of trying to sell the house might have messed up my body this month. :( Why is this not easy?

1st medications for IF

LOL j/k!

CD17

So all of yesterdays thoughts were for nothing, oh well..my temp dropped majorly this morning so I think that means no ovulation as of yet. I officially will be getting nervous if it doesn't start rising tomorrow morning. I hope our vacation isn't going to mess up my cycle. Actually, now that I am thinking about it I wonder if the stress about selling our house earlier this week will put me back. There was about 4 days there where I was really thinking about it and then getting anxious those last 2 days. Well, I can't do anything about it now. I am so glad Chris suggested we do the deed last night. Thanks babe! We are headed to the beach tonight and I wont be back around a computer till Tuesday evening!!! Yippee!

CD16

So, I was just checking out my chart and if my temps keep going up it means I ovulated on CD14, which means today could be 2DPO! This is exciting because it means my cycle is a little shorter and hopefully means more normal. From my reading it could mean that I had a "better/stronger" ovulation this month. I am all for a shorter cycle, means more chances to get pregnant! Even though it means more periods through the year, but who cares about that at this point. If this is what is going on with my body then testing will begin on 12DPO, which is Aug 2nd (which is also the 5 days before missed period) but i might should wait longer, I am sure I will be analyzing this a lot more later.

I need to stop thinking about all this and not stress....haha! I have been so stressed about the HSG, all this getting PG and trying to sell our house my face has completely broken out! URRRHHHH!

CD14

Not much to report no detection of ovulation yet, but we are not worried yet b/c the past 2 months have been on day 16 and 17. So, we are keeping on with OPK, temps, and the ferning tests.

I did dream about 2 lines again last night....uggghhhh. In the dream, I was calling Anna to tell her all about the positive results and we were giggling with joy until the line disappeared! AHHHH seriously, I can't even have a real positive in a dream. Then, I woke up and had to remember it was all a dream and it still feels like a BFN! :(

HSG...DONE

We are moving forward. Today was my HSG, it was pretty uneventful compared to other stories. I arrived at A's house at 12:45, we wolfed down some food hopped in the car and headed to women's hospital. How ironic that 2 weeks ago exactly (almost to the hour) that I was headed to the hospital to visit A and her new little girl and now I am in the car with both of them headed back to the hospital. We realized this as we were siting in the waiting room. Anyway, we got there right on time and I signed in on the clip board. Well, it was really the wrong clip board and it took asking a few people before finally a lady got me signed in on the right board and they took me back in there. The process was quick and I felt a mild cramping for about 2 minutes. The radiologist (a female, which put me at ease) showed me the x-ray of my uterus and tubes and said that I looked normal and wished me an extra good luck in the next 3 months....we are supposed to be more fertile. Crossing my fingers and toes and saying a prayer that this test put my mind at ease and we get to join the club.

Thanks A for driving me and keeping my spirits cheered with your kids the rest of the afternoon.

HSG tomorrow

Say a prayer around 2pm that everything is ok and that this brings us closer to our goal...our baby. I am not really nervous...yet...I got to thinking in the shower that I hope the radiologist is a female, because I've never had a male gyno. I guess there is a first time for everything and if we do get PG I am sure there will be plenty more people takeing their turn down there checking things out...wow that was a crazy train of thought.

A poem

I ran across this poem on someones blog the other day and it really describes the way I feel. It is ironic that I found this the day after I spoke with my Grandmother. If you don't know my Grandfather passed away this past October, he was the heart of our family of women and is greatly missed. As I was speaking with my Grandmother, I asked her to pray for us and our future baby (My aunts say she has a direct line to God). I told her to tell Granddaddy to stop holding his great-grandbaby and send our baby down to earth for us to hold. She promised to pray for us, this is not asking much as she has been begging us for great-grandkids for the past 2 years. So, now that my Grandfather has passed away she is wanting to join him. We are not ready to give her up yet and I want her to be able to hold a great-grandbaby before she joins Grandad in heaven. Right now she keeps saying she needs to stay on earth long enough for my sister's wedding, well that is in September only a few short months away. I think once she has a great-grandbaby to hold she will want to be here longer. Enough already before I really bring on the tears....

A Talk With My Unborn Child
a poem by Amy Borens

These arms of mine are still empty, it's been far too many years.
I can hardly keep them hidden, the heartache and the tears.
I am waiting for you, sweet angel to bless my life, my heart, my soul.
I think I've been a good wife, now I want so much a mother's role.
My life doesn't seem complete.You are not there to hold.
A big piece of my life is missing your destiny is yet untold.
I see you in my dreams, baby ten little fingers and toes.
You have your Mommy's blue eyes and your daddy's ears and nose.
When my eyes are closed I think will your room be pink or blue?
And how much of my life will pass before all my dreams come true?
Will I ever know the joy of rocking you at night?
Telling bedtime stories and tucking you in tight?
Will I ever be able to comfort you when you fall and scrape your knee?
To kiss and make it better at the tender age of three?
Can I watch you graduate and drive you to the mall?
Your dad could take you fishing and teach you to play ball.
Will you make me a grandma when I am old and gray?
Looking back at my life I would be blessed in every way.
So why have I been left behind when I have so much to give?
I would gladly show you the whole world if you could only come to live.
Will my turn ever come? I search my anguished mind.
But questions without answers is all I seem to find.
I go home every night and fight the tightness in my chest.
The silence is so deafening in my big empty nest.
I guess God has a plan for me and I shouldn't have such fear.
But why you can't be in my life he hasn't made quite clear.
I pray for you little one everyday, can you hear?
So tell God we are ready to hold you forever dear.
You would never go without. We would shower you with love.
My little piece of heaven Sent from up above.

CD1

here we go again. Thankfully, AF came and I didn't have to stress about what else might be wrong with my body. CD31 is normal for me to start on. I have scheduled my HSG for Thursday the 16th at 2pm. I will not be going back into work after it, too stressful.

Chris and I had a wonderful conversation last night. He was super sweet about how much the HSG is going to cost us. He said "what ever we need to do, we will do and make it work" This is what he said when we bought our house and it worked out. He is such a great husband! He also was asking what our next steps are, it makes me feel so good that he is participating in this instead of me just doing what I think, I guess this is what they call marriage, A GREAT MARRIAGE! He broke my heart when he said that he felt like all this was his fault. I was shocked he felt this way b/c his tests came back with amazing numbers and so really it is my testing that will show if something wrong. Anyway, we decided not to worry or think about this until after the HSG. Hopefully, it will show a blocked tube that they can unblock and we will know that was the answer to our problem.

As for our next steps:

1. If HSG shows blocked tube we have an answer
2. If HSG is clear then we will see about getting an apointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and see what they have to say.

What I've realized in the past few days is that I am begining to greive the loss of the fun and excitement of trying to concieve a child. I thought this was going to be an exprience that my husband and I would share and look back with fond thought. I thought we would be able to make love and make it happen. It saddens me to think that my baby may come into this world in a unnatural more medical way.

CD31, 14dpo BFN

POAS=BFN, Temps dropped drastically, I am almost to my normal menstral temp.
Chart for what it is worth...not much Time to start looking forward, again. Next up, Hysterosalpingogram(HSG). I spent 20 minutes on the phone with BCBS trying to find out how much they charged and they told me nada, Grrrr!!!!! She said I could call my DR office and ask or use their cost estimator on the website. Well, the HSG test wasn't on the cost estimator and my DR office doesn't do them in the office anymore, so I had to call Women's Hospital and they said about $550. AHHH that is so expensive. Will have to talk to Chris and see what he thinks before I schedule it...Oh wait I cant schedule it b/c AF is MIA!!!! What the *@#&?!!!! For those who don't know what an HSG is and so I hopefully look back and remember fondly: (click here for original article: this is a shortened version)

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).

During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall. See a picture of a hysterosalpingogram.

This test should be done 2 to 5 days after your menstrual period has ended to be sure you are not pregnant. It should also be done before you ovulate the next month (unless you are using contraception) to avoid using X-rays during an early pregnancy. You may want to bring along a sanitary napkin to wear after the test because some leakage of the X-ray dye may occur along with slight bleeding.

shout out to my girl, christie

Christie,
Thank you for calling today. You have been so supportive and you are a really special lady. I am so glad you are in my life and that we are friends, best friends. Thank you for listening and for all your prayers, keep them coming. Sometimes life gets hectic and crazy, but I wanted you to know that you are very important to me and I believe that God knew we needed each other. You took the time to get threw my barriers and understand me for who I am, and for that I thank you. I could not go through this journey with out you and I am so excited about being a part of your next stage in life. Your baby is going to be loved by the Holmes'! I love you girl!
j

CD30, 13dpo

So no Aunt Flow as of yet, no real cramping either AND my temp spiked this morning. I don't know what to think. I mentally could not take a test and be depressed today so I am waiting for Aunt Flow to show her ugly head. This better not be an anovulatory cycle again, I can't handle that.

"By definition, an anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle in which ovulation fails to occur. This means that you do bleed but do not release an egg or ovulate. Hence the term anovulation. This is normally supposed to happen during menopause. If it does happen before then anovulation translates into difficulty in conception or infertility. Anovulatory cycles tend to occur occasionally throughout the childbearing years, but are most common during adolescence and in the years before menopause (”perimenopause”)." from: http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/anovulation.html

Here is my chart: WTF?

12dpo BFN (BIG FAT NEG)

Negative, my period is due tomorrow and my temps are dropping, I am not holding out much hope for this cycle. I cried in Chris's arms this morning, he was so sweet and tried to encourage me, but nothing changes the fact that we are not pregnant. I could tell he was disappointed too, but didn't want to make me more upset.
my chart:


We were at my sister-in-law's house this morning when I took the test and then we had to drive 6 hours home, unfortunately I had to drive alone (Chris got a new van for the company and had to drive it). But this left me to my thoughts, most of the way I was ok...just frustrated with the other holiday drivers that were hanging out in the left lane, but then my thoughts kept circling back to our big negative and every once and a while my eyes would tear up. I am so sad, just depressed, I don't understand why this is happening to us. All I've wanted to be, since my cousin Julie was born, is a mommy. I've been waiting 18 years to get to this point. My husband is ready to be a daddy.

God, please help me understand why I need to go through this...Chris would be such a good daddy, and I feel as if my arms are empty. I am so thankful that you designed the perfect husband for me and you know how happy we are together, but I hate this sadness that has come over me and I don't know how to make it go away. I try and distract myself, but it is only a superficial cover and quicky I re-remember. Please don't let this affect my marriage, Chris is to precious to me, help him understand my feelings. Why do I have to have dreams of peeing on a test and getting a positive, why did this have to happen TODAY? That is so hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream. And then to test and for it to be negative so quickly. God, I know you love my future baby but please send her/him down to me, I want to love on them for a while. If you have to keep them longer please help me understand and take away this desire for a child. I feel that you gave me this desire and that it has always been a part of me, so please just help me understand....please.

POAS this morning....

and it was a dud! The test didn't even show the control line :( I didn't have any more pee to test again. Oh well, guess God is helping me learn patience.

Here is an interesting new product for the geek in all of us:
from http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/pteq.html

"One line or two. Yes or no. Pregnancy tests are binary by their very nature. So when we found p-Teq's USB Pregnancy Test Kit that's chock full of extra scientific information, we knew we had to get this geeky goodness to our potentially spawning fans.

The process starts off like most pregnancy tests. You pee on a stick, specifically the absorbent test strip at one end. But everything's different after that first step. Remove the cap from the other end of the stick (cleverly provided to keep you from accidentally contaminating the wrong end) to reveal the USB connector. Pop it in your computer. The power from your USB port starts the electrospray ionization process, creating a spectrograph of the various masses for your analysis. Get it? Your analysis? Urinalysis? *rimshot* Moving on.

You don't actually get to see the spectrograph yourself. The mass analysis happens inside the device. And p-Teq's device only analyzes for specific chemical makeups, so you don't have to worry about this thing busting you for that "poppy seed bagel" you had yesterday. The mass spectrometry software on the device comes with several sequenced hormones, including hCG (human Chorionic Gonadotropin), hCG-H (hyperglycosylated hCG - for detection before your first missed period), and LH (luteinizing hormone - for detection of your most fertile days). We like the fact that it does all three. After all, if you're not pregnant and you wanna be, you need to know if now's the time to be gettin' it on.

While most home tests can detect a level of 15-50 mIU/mL of hCG, the enhanced methodology of the USB Pregnancy Test Kit can detect 5-50 mIU/mL, and will show you the exact concentration via its friendly onscreen interface. In addition, the LCD display on the device itself will light up and show you the symbol of a baby, no baby, or multiples and your Estimated Delivery Date based on the concentration of hCG, hCG-H, and LH in your urine. So you can clear your calendar in advance.

After you're done reviewing your test results, just pop the device out of your computer and change the test strip. The display will remain lit for five minutes and then automatically power off. Note: We recommend the use of horizontal USB drives for this product to prevent accidental moisture transference.

• No batteries required - draws power from USB
• USB 2.0 compatible
• Plug and play, easy operation
• Operating Systems: Win 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, Linux 2.4 or higher, Mac OS 8.6 or higher
• 20 test strips included
• 99% accuracy*

* 99% accurate in detecting hCG, hCG-H and LH. However, these hormones do not necessarily indicate pregnancy or ovulation, respectively. Extenuating circumstances can affect levels of these hormones in your body."

UPDATE: USB POAS is not real, I didn't realize it when I posted this LOL, the dumb blond in me was taken again!

8dpo and 5 days before missed period

::patting myself on the back for not POAS this morning!

Well, tomorrow starts the end to my 2 week wait. I am going to POAS in the morning and if it is neg, which it will be because it is WAY to early, I am going to have a talk with Chris and see if he wants me to bring some sticks on our trip. If not then we will be waiting till Monday, which is when Aunt Flow is suppose to make her appearance but I am praying she will hold off 9 months or so!

I've included my chart my temp spiked today! Getting my hopes up even further!!! But it may have only spiked because I wasn't sleeping good because I was wanting to get to temp taking time...ahhh please let this be over soon!

On a more positive note: Anna's c-section is scheduled for tomorrow so hopefully her hormones will rub off on me and her baby in my arms will be a peek into the future! Can't wait to kiss Sophie's little head, she is going to be so pretty!!