snowed in and loving it!

I know that there are a lot of people out there wanting to know we how we are doing.  We are having good days and bad days.  Some days are just plain harder than others.  Some days I am ok, I understand that this was God's will for my family.  That Chris did get his prayer answered for healthy babies.  It was just not the answer we thought it would be.  As I keep telling everyone, I don't have to like God's will for us and truthfully I don't like it one bit.  But it happened.  We don't have our babies still growing in me.  I realized that one day I might understand this.

But then other days I am an emotional mess, I can't help but think about all the things I would have done with our sons, the fun we would have had, the love I would have given them.  I picture my husband holding them and I feel like I might not make it another minute.  Basically, last week was a rough week.  It is hard being back to work and it is mentally exhausting. 

But today so far is a good day. Last night Chris and I watched a Harry Potter movie, we are way behind and are working our way through all the series.  At least I don't have to worry about the plots upsetting me!  Then we went to bed early (early for a weekend night) and slept till 10:30!  I needed that sleep.  This morning we slowing got out of bed enjoying that we have no schedule for the day.  We watched some TV and then decided to be responsible adults doing some filing of the mound of papers that seems to accumulate around the house and then we did some quick cleaning.  We even started doing our laundry which is usually reserved for Sundays.  I am quite proud of all we got accomplished before 3pm.  I've even pulled a turkey pie from the freezer for dinner (thanks Jennifer!). 

I just finished a good book, and Chris is playing guitar.  Sounds like today he is enjoying himself.  We are ok, not great, but certainly not bad.  We are learning to live without our sons.  Basically, we are living and as always loving each other. 

quick update

Chris and I went to the dr this morning for my post-op follow up.  My body is back to pre-pregnancy size except for the 8.5 pounds I need to lose around the middle.  But other than that everything looks good, I am healthy.  This is something to be thankful for.

Our Dr also said the likelihood of twins again is very rare and that the chances of this happening again are extremely rare.  So, she expects a healthy pregnancy the next time around.  Also, she said we can do an early ultrasound so that we can be reassured that there is just one baby, which will make us less stressed throughout the pregnancy.  I don't know if I will ever want to go into that room again.    

prayer shawl and a new friend

I received two gifts last Wednesday, a prayer shawl and a new friend.

This woman and I have known each other for over a year now and she reached out to me recently.  On Wednesday, we met for lunch.  It was enough just getting me out the office and to giving me something to look forward to.  I am looking forward to more lunch dates as we realized we both work downtown!  Over our lunch, we found out we had more in common than we thought and there was laughter and tears.  The prayer shawl is something that her church does.  These women sit around crocheting these shawls while praying for the future recipients.  Now, when I want to hold my boys I can wrap this around me and know that I am surrounded by prayers and love.  Don't you love the light blue for my baby boys?  I do.


(Imagine my husband acting like a monkey to get me to give a big smile for the camera!  I wish I had him on the camera instead of me!  Also, you can see another section of horrible wall paper from our rental house.)

another angel baby gone home

God has brought home another baby to heaven, please say a prayer for this family, as I personally know this is the darkest of the hours.  She is waiting to see if her body will miscarriage naturally or she will be going in for a D&C next week.  I can only imagine the waiting is going to be incredibly hard on her and her husband.  As always we have to remember that God's timing is perfect even when we can not understand a second of it. 

in remembrance

After leaving the hospital, Chris and I spent several days not emerging from our house.  We were clinging to one another and trying to figure out how to live without our sons.  The first thing I said on the day we found out was: "i need a project".  At the time, this meant something to keep my hands busy so that my mind wouldn't think about our loss the all time.  I am still trying to figure out what my big project will be.

But in the days following, their birth I found comfort in several smaller projects that I could do to remember my boys.  I needed some visible proof that they were here in this world. The first project was a memory box.  Chris and I headed to the craft store where I bought a simple white photo box.  I painted it a bright shade of light blue and then added fun pictures of baby boy things and a picture of the boys together from the 11 week ultrasound.  I shouldn't have been painting alone, I should have had more colors than light blue...I should have had two boys painting each other and some on the paper, I should have had pictures to hang on the fridge, I should have had finger paintings that were presents for Daddy, for when he got home from work.  But instead I have 19 weeks of memories and a box full of cards expressing love, prayers and best wishes....  

My next project was a photobook.  It is going to be so hard to look at it and yet so wonderful that whenever I want to see my boys' faces I can just open up this little book and see them.  I included: the positive pregnancy test, all my belly pics, their ultrasound pictures, some pictures of mommy and daddy enjoying them being inside me, pictures from the hospital after they were born of the 4 of us and then the most precious pictures of their perfect tiny faces.  It is a little book that tells their short story on earth.

My next project isn't complete yet, actually I am working on it as I am typing these words to you.  I am going to turn this blog into a book.  But as my husband reminds me, our story, our journey isn't over yet.  We WILL have a happy ending and that happen ending will be a new beginning, but these boys Abe and Benny will never be forgotten and they will always be loved and missed.

I know many people have asked and are wondering what our other plans are.  We had the boys cremated and our plans as of right now are to give my Dad some of the ashes to spread in Alabama at my families cemetery.  The rest we are thinking about taking to the beach and letting go.  My aunts' were so excited to have little fannys on the beach, unfortunately they will not be running and playing like we had planed, but at least I can take them to the beach one time and then let them go in one of the most happy places to me.  Then whenever I return there, I can feel a little closer to them.  I know that their souls are in heaven, on heavens beach and that they are in the most beautiful place that I couldn't even begin to imagine.  Also, in May, when they were due we are planing on planting two trees at both of our mothers' houses.  I told our mom's that the trees will be small, but so were our babies and that is almost fitting.

 

today was hard

there are no words, I want my babies, those babies, those little boys, my little sons.

I miss them and I didn't get to know them.

amazing girlfriends

THANK YOU! 

I have the best girlfriends (and my 2 sisters are included in this list) in the world.  It has been so amazing watching God's timing.  He has put me on my girlfriend's hearts at different moments at just when I needed a friend.  What is so interesting is that there is about 7 ladies and each of them has picked a separate day to come over, meet up, call me or plan a visit.  These are my forever friends, forever in my heart, forever in my life even if it isn't every day that we can talk or see one another.  We always pick up where we left off and in times of need we are always here for one another.  These women have been so comforting to me during this time, just listening, understanding and of course giving me those much needed hugs.  Thank you to all my forever friends, you know who you are :)

Also, thank you to my new blogging friends.  You have survived similar situations, yearned for the same things as me and understand from a distance what I am going through even when words can not begin to explain.  Ashley, Krista, Kendra, Monica, Jenni, and Jackie.  Unfortunately, we are all bonded through these experiences, but it helps to know that we are not alone that others have gone before us and survived, survived successfully.

back to work

Please pray that my day is unstressfull as possible and for strength to get through this day.  I will never be "ready" to do anything, but just have to make myself. 

On a positive note, I weighed myself I am only 11lbs to my pre-pregnancy weight.  This number seems more acheivable to reach than the 15lbs after delivery.  Chris and everyone keep saying not to worry about my weight, and it isn't that I feel yucky. It is just that I want to get back into MY clothes and have my body back in shape before another pregancy.

really only 1 week?

How has it only been one week?  A week ago I was discharged from the hospital and sent home with empty arms.  How has it only been one week, seems like it was yesterday and yet too long ago that I held my boys in my arms.  As I am writing this my darling husband is practicing guitar for his show tonight.  This is one of his favorite pass times.  There is such a different sound coming from his guitar and matchless today.  Usually, I am hearing a favorite guitar solo's and rocking music many well known artists.  Today, is a mealody of sadness.  I don't think he even realizes how the guitar petal effects are making each note a note of sadness. 

Tonight, with my best friend by my side, I will venture out into the world of humans.  I will be attending his show tonight and be surrounded by happy people, people who want to have fun and laugh.  How I wish my heart was in it.  Then on Monday, I will be returning to work.  Why is it that all I want to do is grab my husband lock the doors, turn off our cells phones and snuggle on the couch. 

For 5 months, I had my smile back, I had "me" back...and now I feel so much more lost than ever before.  I know that I am so lucky that I have not lost many people in my life.  But I don't know how to grieve, people have been telling me there is no wrong way to  grieve. But, I don't know how to do this, how to get through each day, how to watch a commercial of a baby with out remembering that my babies are in heaven.  How to laugh at stupid jokes, how to stop thinking about all the dreams I had for these boys.  How, I didn't even get the chance to dream about them as boys, before they were taken from me.  I could write on forever....

Everyone keeps saying I am strong.  I don't feel strong. I feel weak, sad, and heartbroken that my babies are no longer growing inside me.  That I didn't get longer with them.   Yes, I am not breaking down in sobbing tears every hour anymore, but these tears are worse they catch me off gaurd and stream from my eyes before I can stop them.  I don't want to turn bitter, I just don't want this story to be our story. I had a different story in mind.  I don't understand God's plan and I know that I am not supposed to, but it SUCKS....it just plain stinks a big fat one. 

I never want to end a sad note, but that is the tune from the guitar and my heart strings right now.

update on the "why us"

Why did this happen to us?  Why did baby A develope to 18 week and baby B only 16?

From the initial analysis on Baby B they found a velamentous cord insertion and possibly a tightly hyper-spiraled cord (twisted cord, baby B may have done this to himself).  Both babies were perfectly developed other than Baby B's cord. 

Normally, the cord inserts into the middle of the placenta. In velamentous cord insertion, the umbilical cordWharton's jelly and hence are vulnerable to rupture. Rupture is especially likely if the vessels are near the cervix, in which case they may rupture in early labor (causing a stillbirth).

There is only a 1% chance for singletons,  but 15% of monochorionic twins will have this.  Monochorionic twins share a placenta, which ours did.

Basically, Baby B's cord was not properly attached and when he passed it interfered with the balance of blood flow to the placenta and baby A left us too. 

We are still waiting on other testing, but my Doctor and Nurses feel this is the why, we have been asking ourselves.  They feel that this type of thing is a fluke and we should not have to be worried about this happening again.  Also, there is some blood work and the chromosome testing that we are still waiting on.  The chromosome testing will take at least a month to get back.

It is so easy to look back and see the signs that were in my face.  I had felt both babies move, I know I did.  I think I only felt Baby B for a few days, then I began to complain to Chris that I didn't feel him anymore. I  know I felt Baby A for another week or so.  Several days before the ultrasounds a couple of times I mentioned to Chris I was worried something was wrong.  Then I began to have some apprehension about the ultrasound, even the night before my friend had to remind me about the ultrasound.  I must have said something or made a face and she asked what was going on and my response was "this is the big ultrasound where they find a lot of things that could be wrong with the babies".  But then we laughed and got excited about finding out the sexes of the babies.  Lastly, once the contractions started I realized how my belly used to be tight and in the past week it had begun to become more soft.  This was another really hard moment in the hospital.

We are doing our best to hold our heads up, and once again thank you to everyone for all the kind words.  Our journey isn't over yet...i keep repeating this to myself.  

our wonderful nurses

I have to have a whole post dedicated to our nurses at Woman's Hospital.

As we got checked in we meet a nurse, Liz, who is also a member of the local Junior League with me.  It was so comforting to have that initial connection with someone in the hospital.  It felt like I had a friend in the hospital from the start.  She already had another patient so she wasn't going to be our nurse, but said that our nurse was great, Sandra.

Sandra was with us from 9ish when we check in, till 5pm when her shift ended.  She was so good to us, making sure we knew where the drinks were and as comfortable as possible.  She had to go over a lot of hospital stuff and she made it simple and quick.  We mentioned to her that we didn't have maternity coverage and she said she would help us out by not starting the IV until right before the epidural.  She was a caring woman and very compassionate to our situation.  Sandra  had been with the hospital for a long time and quickly put all our concerns at ease (as much as was possible).  She was so good to answer all my questions, even when I repeated them several times as my brain was not working correctly.

Due to the lack of other activity on the floor Sandra was let go a little early at 5 and Liz, whom we had met that morning was with us till 7:30 pm.  Liz was super sweet again, and we could tell she wanted to do more, but that there just wasn't any more to do.  We did spent a good long time talking through what we would be going happening in the next few days and she was very patient with us.

Christine was our woman.  She was very kind and will always hold a special place in our hearts.  Christine realized I didn't have an egg crate on the bed and got me one really quick.  It really did make such a better experience in that hospital bed.  When I was hungry and was only allowed to drink clears, she was so willing to call my doctor and request a sandwich--even making sure it was a fresh sandwich from the cart.  Christine could tell I was in pain, but wasn't ready for the epidural so she suggested IV meds.  I didn't know IV meds was an option till that moment.  What a perfect suggestion those meds ended up being. They knocked me out and made me so comfortable.  I think that having those meds in my system made it easier and less stressful getting the epidural.  I don't think Christine or anyone else thought our boys' births would have been so quick to arrive, but I am so glad she was the one to help bring their bodies into this world.  She cried with us for our babies and tenderly lifting them to and from our room.  If we had had to chose whom to hand over our two boys to forever, it would have been her.  I can't thank her enough for her compassion and carring spirit through the hardest time of our life.

Lastly, at 7:30 am we had a new nurse, Jennifer.  It was hard to see Christine go as we were so connected with her.  But, Jennifer was wonderful in her own way.  I had to have help getting out of the bed after the epidural and she acomplished this with a quickness no nonsence attitude that I liked.  We still had to make some decisions about the babies and testing and of course there was paperwork to sign, but Jennifer had this undercontrol even though we felt like everything was spinning out of control.  But after everything was signed and I was released to leave, it was great to have Jennifer there to help us in the process of getting discharged quickly.  She pushed my chair out of the room, the only room I would ever hold by sons in and held my sholders as I cried.

I can't not say enough about the nursing staff at Woman's hospital.  They are some very strong women to have this as part of their job.  I can't thank them enough for making the hardest experience of my life somewhat easier.

Baby Boys Holmes Birth Story

I want to share with everyone and to keep a detailed record so that I never forget a single detail. (Please remember I am NOT a writer)

After the ultrasound on Thursday, Chris and I returned home with broken hearts.  We began the process of realizing our dreams for these twins were in fact going to just stay dreams.  We clung to one another, cried, and packed our bag for the hospital admission on Friday.

Friday, we had a doctor appointment with Dr. Lavoie at our OB's office.  The staff was so nice ushering us quickly back to the back and I had a quick exam with Dr. Lavoie.  We found out that my body was naturally realizing what was happening and was dilated 1 cm.  Dr Lavoie informed us that it could be early Saturday morning or as late at Monday sometime for the babies to make their arrival. We began praying for a quick and painless birth. From the office, we went directly to Women's Hospital where I can say the staff was exceptionally wonderful and caring, I have to give them their own blog entry they were so amazing.

Walking into the hospital was very difficult; tears were streaming down my face as I began to realize I would not be walking out with our babies.  We were almost immediately settled into our private room and met our sweet nurse. Soon after, I was given my first round of drugs to induce labor.  After about an hour, I began to feel mild cramps, very similar to menstrual cramps.  They said these were contractions, except mine were a constant pain and did not come in waves like I thought they would.  My sister Sara brought us lunch and we hung out till my mom and other sister Robyn showed up. They helped the day go by faster. My Dad arrived and it was dinner time so they all left with a promise to bring Chris back some food. Later, our pastor and his wife stopped by to pray with us at the end of the day. It was nice to forget why we were there and just chat for a bit and then they said a sweet prayer for my health and our babies.  

It was about 9:30 pm, when the cramping had become uncomfortable and I was nervous to have the second round of drugs without any pain medication. So, we spoke with our nurse about our options. The pain and exhaustion were overwhelming me and I was unable to make a decision between getting the epidural or the IV medication. Thankfully, I have a rock for a husband and he was able to make the decision to start the IV meds. These were great and gave us a moment of comic relieve when the drugs hit my system and I laid back and said "this was a real good idea". Then I received the second round of inducing medication. The IV meds made me very droopy and sleepy so Chris took a sleeping pill and we were ready to settle in for the night, thinking we needed to get a good nights sleep.

About 3 hours later, I woke up because my lower back was really sore and the cramping was bothering me again thru the IV meds. It was too soon for another dosage and I decided I was ready for the epidural.  The IV meds were still in my system and I feel helped with the stress and fear of getting the epidural. Within the hour we were settled back down to try and sleep again.  I think I was able to get a few more hours of sleep when I awoke uncomfortable again.  My nurse had mentioned that I could have a medication for itchiness if needed, so I called her to talk about that and the fact that I was uncomfortable. 

She decided to check to see how far along we were; she could feel the first sac with Baby A.  Immediately, my water broke and our tiny baby A was born at 4:30am.  I could not look, I didn't want to become overwhelmed emotionally, but Chris standing at my side kept telling me how beautiful our baby was and how perfect.  Dr. Lavoie was called and was there within 15 minutes.  She checked me and we found out baby b was descending.  After a few timed pushes at 5:03 am baby B was born even smaller than his older brother, but just as perfect and beautiful. 

One of the major concerns Dr. Lavoie had about the whole delivery was delivering the placenta. She didn't want me to have to go into surgery to remove it, it would be better for my body if I could do it naturally. Thankfully, this was not the case as I was able to deliver the placenta without much assistance.  Chris was so wonderful the whole time, stroking my head, telling me how great I was doing...how beautiful our babies were...how much he loved me. In this unfortunate situation, I feel that our babies entered this world the best way possible. They arrived into a room loved by their parents and surrounded by the most compassionate nurses and dr.

After the babies were cleaned up the nurses brought them to us, wrapped in blankets and we were able to spend about an hour with them.  We prayed for them, sung them songs, and told them all the things we had wanted to do for them and with them. We held them and in soft voices whispered to them that we were proud of them, that we loved them and we would see them one day in heaven.  It was a special time for our little family of 4.  It was difficult to give them back, knowing we would never see them again, but it had to happen at some point and my handsome husband with tears in his eyes handed his baby boys to the nurse to take away. Thus breaking my heart completely.

The rest of our hospital stay was a bit of a blur. I ate breakfast, my family arrived with Chris's breakfast, and we proceeded to tell this story for the first time. After a nap, I was told we could stay as long as we wanted or we could be discharged anytime. Chris and I wanted get home and shower and figure out how to survive this. We are still working on surviving this.

Again I cannot express how much everyone's words and prayers have meant to us. We are so overwhelmed with love from all our family, IRL friends and this blogging/thebump community. Thank you, THANK YOU and THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

back at home

First of all I have to say that all the prayers everyone has been sending our way have been answered.  Thank you to every single person from the bottom of our hearts for all the prayers.  We both felt so surrounded by your love and support.  Chris and I keep saying that this was the easiest hardest day of our life so far.  Does that even make sense? 

I am working on writing our birth story for our own record and to share with our ever growing network of family and friends.   This is turning out to be the hardest thing I have ever written.  But, I did want to update everyone that our identical twin boys were born at 4:30 and 5:03 am on January 9th, 2010.  They were very loved.

I am overwhelmed by each and every comment.  They are each so special to me and I will be returning again and again when I need your support and reread your sweet words.

When we arrived home yesterday the driveway was filled with cars.  My parents and sisters were here, along with Chris's two brother and his parents.  Walking in the house we were again overwhelmed by the love our family gives so freely.  Our family had gone grocery shopping for us, down to the lint roller I had put on my grocery list weeks ago, they had move the piles of baby stuff that I had begun collecting in our downstairs guest room including our 2 cribs that had never been put together,  and they were even scrubbing our kitchen floor!

Here is the banner that Gary's girls made for us (Chris's brother has 4 beautiful girls, whom we love).  They thought this up on there own to do a banner for us, such sweetness in these young hearts.

Message from Jeanna's sister...

This is Sara, Jeanna's sister.  I am updating today for Jeanna!

Jeanna and Chris met with their doctor this morning and have since checked into the hospital.  They have given Jeanna the medicine in order to induce her labor.  The doctor told us that it could be tomorrow morning, or even as long as Monday morning before she delivers.  Please keep her in your prayers as we hope things will progress quickly and be as easy as possible for Jeanna.

Jeanna wants to let everyone know how much she appreciates all the comments and prayers!  It means a lot to have such a network of people who are praying and thinking about everything that she and Chris are going through.

I also wanted to let you all know how much they appreciate everyone who wants to help in such an unfortanate time.  At this point, being in the hospital for a matter of days is going to add up quickly on the medical bills, and their insurance is not going to cover delivering Jeanna's angel babies.  Instead of sending flowers, the family has decided the best way to help Jeanna and Chris is to help with the medical bills.  We are giving them money through paypal.com as a gift to help.

I have included directions below if you are interested in contributing also.

- visit www.paypal.com
- click the link "send money online" (it is at the middle/bottom of the page)
- enter Chris' email into the To:  guitarchris@netzero.net (note Chris's first name is Jesse)

- make sure you click the "personal" tab and click the "gift" option and continue to fill out the rest of the information to complete the transaction.

Again, please know that we all appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers!

19 weeks, 3 days :(

We found out that there are no heartbeats.  They measured 16 and 18 weeks.  I am headed to my Dr office at 8am in the morning and then they will admit me into the hospital.  A D&C is not an option as they are to big, I will have to deliver them.  Chris and I are at a total loss and can't stop crying.  We would appriciate your prayers this weekend as they do not know how long it will take to induce them.

u/s TODAY!

I am leaving work in 15 minutes to go to our ultrasound!!!  My sister Sara is going to join us and my Mother-in-law!  Next post will be about our babies!   My hands are already starting to sweat with anticipation!

tomorrow, a birthday for Camryn!!!

My BFF is having her little girl tomorrow at noon!!! I can't wait to meet her and kiss her little toes!

Christie, my thoughts and prayers will be with you all morning and I know you will both do great! LOVE YOU!!!

19 Weeks

How far along: 19 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 18 pounds (right on track for 20 pounds in 20 weeks!)
Maternity clothes:yes just bought a dress from good will yesterday for $5 it is mimi maternity and long sleeves and black....what could be better!
Stretch marks: nope  
Sleep:  still struggling to get more than 3 hours at a time between rolling over and having to pee it is a busy night every night  
Best moment this week:  having Neana (my mom) deliver the cribs on Friday...they are not set up but they are in the house!
Gender: finding out on THURDAY this week...3 days to go!
Belly button in or out?: In and it is starting to look like a sad face curving downward and is getting flatter
Craving: just lots of food ALL the time 
What I miss: not much, i am so happy to have these little ones inside me!
What I am looking forward to:  THURSDAY...did I mention that?
Milestone: we are halfway (for twins!)

Baby.center dot com:

How your baby's growing:

Your baby's sensory development is exploding! Her brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, talking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you.

Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Her arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of her body now. Her kidneys continue to make urine and the hair on her scalp is sprouting. A waxy protective coating called the vernix caseosa is forming on her skin to prevent it from pickling in the amniotic fluid.


Don't forget to vote for our babies genders below!  So far we have 35 votes from 3 countries!  We have yet to get someone from the far west like California, but there is still time!  I will post the map once the voting is closed (can you tell this is entertaining me!?!) 

POLL TIME guess the gender!!

Online Surveys & Market Research

Actual results will be displayed on the 7th~

I am 1 in 250!

According to baby.center (a favorite website):

click here for more about twins:
Meanwhile, the likelihood of having identical twins (when one fertilized egg divides in half) is about one in 250. This rate hasn't changed over the decades and is remarkably constant all over the world.

I finally found a statistic, we should know more on Thursday if they are identical or if we will have to wait and do a blood DNA test after they are born....stay tuned this is going to be a big first week of 2010!!