internet hiatus

I have been hiding.  Hiding from the face book world, hiding from all these feelings, but they are starting to bubble up again.  I am in a mood.  I know I am.  I know nothing set it off, but I think the high of the holidays has worn off and the current head cold that has taken residence in my head is taking a toll on me.  Ok, I feel better just putting that out there!

I had an u/s on Friday.  My ovaries were "too active" and my E2 was 67.  I told them I wanted to start off this cycle the best we could.  I was relieved when they didn't push to start this week.  I think I need another week to settle back home after the week of travels and don't get me started on the amount of stuff that still needs a home.

whew.  thats it for now.  I will check back in on the 4th after the next u/s....unless I go crazy first on these birth control pills.

IVF #2 Begins tonight

Tonight, I am starting the birth control pills again.  Tomorrow we are headed back to the RE's office to write a check for more money to hopefully make a baby. I am sure I will have lots more to update then.

I am sorry these blog post have been so horrible.   It has been a rough week.  I am basically just keeping track for myself for future reference.

IFV Day 33: 11dp3dt

11 days past 3 day transfer, 14 days past ovulation.

Today was an informative day.  My RE personally called me and we talked about all the reasons that this cycle didn't work.  We discussed when I wanted to move forward.  Basically, there is no medical reason to wait. If we do wait 1 cycle (which my husband and I had originally discussed doing) it would put us into some calendar issues and so we have decided to move forward with IVF #2. I have so many things going through my head right now and I can't even begin to get them down on paper or even describe how I really feel.  I have been so lost, lacking all hope until speaking with my RE.  Now I feel we have a good plan and the hope has begun to light inside my heart.

A few interesting things about our upcoming cycle:

• This cycle is what my RE called a "Lupron Flair" Technique or Therapy
• I will be taking 2 shots a day
• we are "waking" up my ovaries, no more suppressing them
• I am now taking 13 pills a day till I am told not too.  The goal of these supplements is to help egg quality.
• Co Q-10: 200mg
• DHEA: 50mg
• D3: 2000mg

IFV Day 31: 10dp3dt

10 days past 3 day transfer, 13 days past ovulation, 1 day before beta

Aunt flow, period, monthly cycle whatever you want to call it has begun.

Cycle # 14 begins, even thought the official beta blood work is tomorrow.

IFV Day 30: 9dp3dt

9 days past 3 day transfer and 12 days past ovulation

negative

began spotting tonight

All I can think is that my twins died in my belly and now these 2 embies died in my belly.

Babies die inside of me.

IFV Day 29: 8dp3dt

8 days past 3 day transfer or 11 days past ovulation

negative

had major break down today, losing hope.

IFV Day 28: 7dp3dt

7 days past 3 day transfer or 10 days past ovulation

pg test= negative

IVF Day 24: 3dp3dt; no frosties

3 days past, 3 day transfer and 6 days past ovulation.

Well, we got the call that I knew was coming.  I was glad I didn't have to call the RE's office myself.  The embryologist was very sweet and as soon as she finished the idle chit chat she said, unfortunately.  When I heard that one word, I knew; no frosties.  She said they didn't make it much further than the day of transfer.  She said they are very hopeful for the 2 we did transfer.

Today was a little tough.  I kinda sunk into a book and ignored the world.

IVF Day 23: 2dp3dt

We are 2 days past a 3 day transfer, which is also 5 days past ovulation.

I read this on another blog today and it hit home.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will 
guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

No word on our embies.

IVF Day 22: 1dp3dt

1dp3dt= 1 day past, 3 day transfer

Please pray that these little rock star embies inside me and the 2 in the dish at our RE's office continue to grow and divide, its not quite time to implant yet.

I think we will get a phone call about the 2 at the RE's office on Wednesday.  Would be so awesome if we had something to freeze!!

GROW EMBIES GROW!!!

IVF Day 21: ET-3 day transfer

Embryo Transfer Day:

"Embryos are cleavage stage.  Best embryos are non-fragmented and 8 cells or more.  If embryos are transferred today they may first undergo assisted hatching in which a laser hole is created in the shell around the embryo to facilitate implantation."

So, I didn't sleep last night.  I was so worried that I would get a phone call at 8am that none of our embies had made it and the whole thing was canceled.  Well, I did get a phone call and they were just confirming we were coming for the transfer at 10am.  This was actually a great thing, that they called, because the drive to the office I was so relieved and relaxed.  We found out we are transferring 2 nine cells embryos.  They wanted them to be 8 cells or more AND we found out our were graded a 1.  Zero is no fragmantation, 1 is 10% or less and I am not sure how high up it goes, but 10% fragmentation is GREAT!  They didn't do the assisted hatching because they said they looked so great they didn't need it.

Anyway, the other 2 embies are growing. One is an 8 cell and one is a 5 cell. Hopefully, the 8 cell will make it to freeze.


But here is what they put back into my body today and I am pregnant until proven otherwise!

Check out the new ticker at the top, our countdown to beta PG b/w!!  Lets pray we are pregnant!!!

IVF Day 20: Day 2 after ET

Shhh "Embroys are sleeping in culture media, under an oil droplet, not to be disturbed in their low oxygen, nitrogen rich incubator"

Today, I am just so nervous for tomorrow.  I would love to get that call at 8am that says all the embies are looking so fabulous don't come in you are rescheduled to Wednesday.  But then again if the phone rings it could be the Dr calling to say there is nothing to transfer.  Oh dear God, please let these four grow nice and strong.

Tomorrow we want 2 beautiful 8 cell embies.

Here is an image that I found:

image source

Actually, I just want a good chance at something to transfer.

reading on embie growth

Some light reading...haha

Not a documented source, but women tend to know these types of things once they have been through IVF before:
The first day the one cell should become two.
The second day the cells should split and become 4 cells
The 3rd day the four should split and be at least 8. Less than 8 means a slow grower where  8-10 is ideal, and more than 10 is a quick grower (not really ideally a good thing either). There have been women getting pregnant from 4, 5, 6, 7 cells. It doesn't effect the development of the child it just means whether or not it has a good chance of implanting and continuing growth.  Mostly all embryos have some degree of fragmentation, I think 10% is ok and the higher the percent the lower the chance of implantation. 

http://www.advancedfertility.com/eggspregnancyrates.htm

3dt: 3 day transfer


HPT1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & 
fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on 
HPT

5dt: 5 day transfer

-1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & 
fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on 
HPT

IVF Day 19: Fert Report

This is Day 1 after retrieval:

"The Embryologist will call you with fertilization rate.  This will usually occur by noon. Cannot tell much more than fertilization."

I am disappointed.  Only 5 eggs were mature and 4 fertilized.  We are scheduled for a 3 day transfer back to me Monday at 10am.  There is a very slight chance they will call Monday at 8am to reschedule to a 5dt this is if all 4 are 8 cells or more.  But that is unlikely.  We need your prayers these little embryos who are in a dish start dividing and growing.  We won't get any updates till then.  I am so scared the RE is going to call Monday morning and say that none of them made it and we are totally canceled.

My recovery seems to be pretty quick, I stopped taking the pain meds today. I am still sore when I stand up and sometimes if I walk to fast.  Thankfully, I have the luxury of relaxing today since it is Saturday and hubby has been great!

IVF Day 18: ER (part 2-after)

We got 11 eggs.  I wanted more, but this is still good!  Please say prayers that they fertilize!

We got to the RE's office about 15 minutes early and by the time we both used the bathroom we were called back.  Chris went to his room and I went to strip down into a gown, fancy socks and a hair net!  Thank goodness Chris wasn't around to snap a pic!  I am still feeling tired and weak so this will be short for now:

TMI warning:

• sat in chair and waited
• paid $300 to anesthesiologist (Amy) via check
• took 2 vicodin and a zofran
• sat in chair and waited
• got iv put in
• finally got to go to the retrieval room 
• put legs up in massive comfy stirups and was covered by a dark sheet
• laughed with nurse and Amy about Owen and potty training
• Dr. C popped her head in to say knock me out
• I was told to think a happy thought and started praying
• 15 seconds later I am waking up and being moved back to my other chair
• I asked for Chris, bam he appeared
• I was groggy, nauseous, thirsty, tired and wrapped up in a blanket.
• I started to get really crampy so Amy gave me an extra something to knock the pain away, that stuff rocks.
• I got my discharged instructions and had to pee so bad I knew I wanted to get up and leave
• Peeing is weird.  It is sore down there.  Chris made a joke to keep me laughing. I love that man!
• We got dressed and going down the elevator made me very nauseous.
• The drive home was long, I was so nauseous and hungry but couldn't eat.  My mouth was so dry that I had to have water to swallow my biscuit.  
• When I got home I felt better seeing my little Owen's face and I had to perk up for him.
• I finished my biscuit and headed to bed taking a 2 hour nap.
• I woke up feeling more sore, took 2 Tylenol and drank lots of water and peed a million times.  I feel like I can't completely empty my bladder so I am going a million little times.
• I ate a snack and talked with mom while she cooked us dinner (meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, broccoli).  
• I caught up with texts and phone calls and I am feeling better.  Still sore and tired, but better. 
• Off to pee....AGAIN!    

IVF Day 18: ER (part 1-before)

As this post is going up we will be in the middle of our ER, please say some prayers for us that things go smoothly and normal.  I like normal when it comes to medical stuff.

Here is what my RE's office described today as:
"Day 0: Egg harvest, conscious sedation, egg count, Later that afternoon ICSI is preformed.  Usually 75% of eggs will be suitable for ICSI after they are stripped"

My thoughts:

• egg count: hoping the 17 they saw yesterday are all good, will find out for sure before we leave the office
• 75% of 17 is 12.75 so come on 13!!
• ICSI is pronounced Ick-see (FYI)
• ICSI is where they put a sperm into the egg
• I am not 100% sure if they are going to do this or not.  If they don't...we get 1k back, but if they do I think Dr. M said there is a better chance of fertilization.
• stripped?? Need to find out what this is.

IVF Day 17: is brought to you by the letter Z

source

• Z is for getting some extra z's today.  I am going to try and relax some and let my body do what it needs to do.  Might even take a nap! (nope that didn't happen)
• Z is also for Z-pak.  The antibiotics I am starting today.  2 pills the doctor has ordered!
• Z is for zipped up, we are making a baby in this century and no hanky panky is allowed today.

Today, I have finally really had to slow down.  The exhaustion is gone I guess because I didn't take any stims last night, but wow my ovaries are at this party and dang they feel full.  I was sweeping and mopping my house and had to stop several times and take it easy.  I did get most of my to do list done today.  The rest, well it was the stuff that could wait I am just over anal before stuff like this and like to have things organized and clean so that the house doesn't fall apart when I am down for the count.  

So, today's IVF schedule was pretty awesome.  Just pop 2 pills and don't eat or drink after midnight.  Tomorrow is the big day.  ER.  Egg Retrieval   WOW.  We are really doing this.  I never thought we would.  All the stress and trying this past year has led us to this.  My next blog post my eggs will be outside of my body and trusted to the care of my RE's office.  Feels strange to think about it like that.  

IVF Day 16: u/s & b/w=trigger time

I have recently been feeling like IVF is a triathlon.  The first event is running (shots).  I have been running for a while, I have got this down.  Three prior months of injectable cycles, yup, I've got this.  Friday, we will be moving into the swimming event.  A fresh start after the repeated pounding of the pavement or the repetition of the shots.  Interesting enough that "swimmers" are only half of this equation needed.  Then the final event will start after the transfer.  I will hop on the bike and hopefully coast through the finish line and if I am lucky enough come home with the ultimate prize!

Ok, back to what this blog is about. The nitty gritty details.

Left ovary: 21.3, 18.4, 14.5, 18, 14.3, 17.8
Right ovary: 27.25, 18.6, 17.5, 15.3, 17, 19.2
Lining around a 12 and E2 1900's (both are right on track)

The result of all that data:  TRIGGER TIME!!!

Ok, can you tell I am in a good mood?  We haven't had a theme song since the night of the first injection!

Before I left the office today I got these instructions:

Tonight's agenda is 2 ovidrel shots at 9pm.  Because in 36 hours from then on Friday at 9am we will be retrieving out little dozen or so eggs and they are going swimming with some 150+million of Chris's part!

IVF Day 15: u/s #3 and b/w

Annnnd....more waiting.  I was still not ready this morning.  :(  Which means another night of my large hormone shot and another u/s & b/w in the morning.

For the record:
My lining was 12.5 and my E2 was 1500+ Both are great and where we want to be

Right Ovary:
25.2-lead that is over mature
16.2, 13.5,14.4

Left Ovary:
12.8, 13.8, 15.25, 16.6, 13.9, 11.8

No retrieval on Thursday, we are now thinking Friday.  This waiting is killing me, but at least tomorrow is another scan so I will know more.  I am a little disappointed because I was hoping for 20 eggs and 9 seems like not enough insurance.

Updated to add:
I have been VERY nauseous all day.  I am not sure if it is just nerves or the hormones or a stomach bug on its way.  But I ate chicken noodle soup for dinner and took it as easy as possible.

IVF Day 14: keeping it real

Well, things have settled down as we are coming out of our turkey coma and hubby is back to work today.  These drugs are starting to take a toll on my body. I don't want to complain, but in telling and remembering it how it is....here you go:

I am having some serious teenage flashbacks.  I am on 300IU follistim, 1-menopur and centrotide.  I haven't had these symptoms on just follistim, so I am guessing it is the menopur.  I have been breaking out like crazy...any kind of pimple take your pick...white heads, black heads, hard red ones under the skin that hurt like CRAZY!  Then there is the constant feeling like I have peed in my pants b/c my EWCM is on overdrive!  Seriously, I am wearing one of my mama cloths (that I made for the awesome vag pills & gel that I know are coming).  Next, is the itchy red injection site..this is from the centrotide (ganirelix does this too), but I know that in the morning it will be so tender that the waist band of my pants will hurt if its not elastic sort of like a bruise on crack!  All this on top of being extremely exhausted during the day and not being able to deep sleep at night.  It will all be worth it in the long run if...you know...shhhh don't say it b/c it might not happen.

Lets hope tonight shot is the last of stims and tomorrow we are ready for a double shot of ovidrel and rolling towards ER and ET!! (Egg Retrieval and Embro Transfer)

IVF Day 13: update to mixing drugs

My concoction of a shot wasn't too far off.  Though from now on, I don't have to use all the water with the centrotide, she said use half the water into the centrotide powder and then put the follistim/menopur mix into it and draw it all out and inject!  Also, it doesn't really matter which needle you use, but it is kinda gross to think about the 3 drugs all together and you can see its not just water its oily looking.

If you are mixing follistim, menopur and centrotide here is the fast easy version:

1. Inject follistim amount into menopur powder (if less than 225 of follistim you will have to add some other liquid to the mix as instructed in the video posted here)
2. Put half of the centrotide water into the centrotide powder
3. Use q-cap to withdraw the follistim/menopur mixture and insert into the liquid centrotide 
4. withdraw and inject using the SMALL needle not the 2" crazy scary needle!

Tip: use an ice pack to numb and cool the red itchy skin!

IVF Day 12: 2nd u/s & b/w

Whew.  I was a nervous wreck this morning.  I was sweating in the RE's office waiting for my appointment.  I could barely play any games on my phone as they were stressing me out too.

Dr. M did my scan this morning so I don't have a final count on my follies other than the lead one on each size was about a 14mm and the other ones are around 12mm's, but he did say everything looked "perfect, right on track".  My lining was a 12mm and my E2 was 459 and he was pleased with both of those too.  They did give me an extra ganirelix shot for Monday evening.

I go back for my next scan on Tuesday morning and he is hopeful that we will trigger that night and do the retrieval on Thursday morning.

IVF Day 11: hope i did that right

Um...tonight's shots was either a new way of mixing drugs or I just took the most massive shot yet.

Follistim: 225IU
Menopur: 1 vial
Centrotide: 1 vial and a confusing mess of extra stuff

First, I took the follistim and injected it into the menopur powder (I know this is right).

this just squirts into the little vial below

this shows 5 dosages worth=1 box 

Then I opened the centrotide....

You can't see all the awesomeness in this box, but there is the syringe, 2 needles, and the vial with the powder.  I drew out the new mixture and injected it into the centrotide...whoomp whomp the mixture didn't even barely touch the melting the powder, so then I added the syringe of water and FREAK out moment IT DID'T MIX...at first.  I had to give it some serious shaking.  Then I drew it all out into the bottle and WOW it was like a triple dosage. 

I bit the bullet and stuck myself with a concoction that I just made up....now it is on FIRE and red.  But the ganirelix made me red and itchy too.  

I will let you know what they say tomorrow when I double check if I did this right at my u/s & b/w in the morning.  To be continued...

IVF Day 10: Happy Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!  Today was dedicated to being thankful and I was.  I added in the ganirelix shot.  It went pretty easy because CC has an amazing video (that I have already shared with your my 3 readers!).

Off to celebrate life!

IVF Day 9: u/s & b/w

Quick update as we are headed out of town for Thanksgiving.

Headed to the RE for an u/s and b/w.  

Ultrasound: 

Goal: follies that are 10-12 in size and a good amount apx 20 i think

Today:

• 3 follies (follicle that houses an egg inside is growing on the outside of the ovary) are at a 11-13 size
• 12 or more good sized follies on each ovary 
• The nurse was very please though she did say that the few that are ahead might have to be "sacrificed" to let the rest catch up and they would just be "over mature and wouldn't fertilize"
• My lining was "beautiful, exactly where we want it".  They wanted a 7 or higher mine was a 7.4!!!

As of right now we are staying on the same dosage of Follistim/Menapur, unless my bloodwork comes back low, which it did.

Bloodwork:

Goal: forgot to ask...anyone know?

Estradiol (E2): 85 today. It was 75 at baseline, then dropped to 10 and now is at 85...not sure what it means other than they are upping my follistim A LOT.  75IU to 225!  YIKES!  We are kicking this into high gear!

the paper they gave me when I left that I revised from home

This sheet is how you know what to do! I have always wondered how women didn't feel overwhelmed.

IVF Day 8: hanging in there

Only one more wake up till our next big appointment!! There isn't much to say other than I have been giving myself the injections every evening.  The last couple of times Chris gave them, they hurt or bruised.  I guess this is part of my control freakishness too.  I like deciding exactly where they go and Chris would argue with me about it some.  I do want him to feel involved, but really at this point whatever makes it easier for me is what I am going with.

I am doing good about not stressing.  If you could see my house and the explosion that has happened in the past two days you might get stressed for me.

IVF Day 7: random thoughts

Warning I am too tired to pull all these random thoughts together:

• LOL, I dreamed about my upcoming appointment last night.  I had my feet up in the stirrups and then they had to move me and the u/s machine to another room...so basically my who-ha was out for the world to see!  Finally, I demanded some privacy to get dressed and had to kick weird people out of the dressing room.  
• So, last nights shot was done in a friends powder room while someone knocked on the door!! Oh well.  Though, I do think it was my husband that knocked as later I received a text saying "dropping a deuce?".
• Today, I was shopping alone!  It was wonderful and all of a sudden I felt a pang in my right ovary and then a little later in the left.  So, hello ovaries.  Welcome to the party ovaries!  It is really your party this month.  It could be your last hurrah so let it all hang out!
• Chris talked to my ovaries tonight, telling them we need another "owen or owen-etta".
• This conversation led to what if this cycle doesn't work. What if the frozen embryos don't either.  My amazing husband who dragged his feet to this point said that we would find a way to do it again.  Another fresh cycle.  Another +15k cycle.  He did say we might have to be patient and save up the money.  BUT the fact that he is going to do everything in his power to make us pregnant again...just took a weight off my shoulders.   

IVF Day 6: Follistim&Menapur Video

Today is day 2 of stims, last nights injection wasn't too bad.  It stung a little for a minute so I rubbed the injection area gently and it went away pretty quickly.  So, far no side effects other than extreme exhaustion, but I haven't been getting regular sleep for a while now for a few different reason.

Here is what I am doing right now: 75 IU (international units) Follistim and 1 Vial of Menopur

Here is the video from our RE's office for those that are curious.  We are currently not adding the ganarelix right now, but I know we will be later.

The count down to Wednesday's monitoring u/s has begun in my brain.  3 more wake ups!

IVF Day 5: meds arrived!

Today's a big day!

First, the obligatory picture:

slightly terrifying that all of that will be in my body over the next month

Tonight, first shot of stims:  75IU of Follistim and 1 vial of Menopur (by the way just realized I am taking all these medications and don't know how to spell half of them! LOL)

My theme song for this evening's shot:

IVF Day 4: ordering meds

Whew. Dodged a big one today.  Yesterday, my credit card got declined.  It wasn't because it was overdrawn, but because we never use it and all of a sudden we put a large IF bill on it.  So, yesterday I gave them another card and the rest of my medicine was to be delivered today.  Well, at 2pm today I got another phone call from SuccessMeds, saying my card was declined (hello? didn't we do this already).  Long story short, they ran the card, but didn't fill the prescriptions or mail them!  This could have been a big deal, thankfully they over night them and I don't need them till tomorrow, but looks like I can't leave the house till they arrive!  I was home all day today and had it all planned out for today. Well, I decided even on the phone with the woman before I knew if my meds were going to be delivered that I wasn't going to stress and I was proud of myself for not stressing!

Stress free zone!  BAM!

IVF Day 3: b/w

I got my first bruise today.  Actually, it is in my arm where a student at the labcorp in town pricked my arm for some bloodwork the RE ordered.  On Tuesday, my estrogen level was 75.5 and they wanted it lower.   Today, Thursday, my estrogen level has dropped to a 10.  Then I heard the words every woman wants to hear during an IVF cycle "your level is great, exactly where we want it".  What a relief.  I mean to start out at the beginning of a cycle on the wrong foot....scares the crap out of me!  I want this to be smooth sailing and "normal...typical...textbook"  I will take it all PLEASE!

So, tonight.  No shots. No meds.  Nadda!  Kinda feels like I am not doing anything except AF has showed up...so there is that one thing. 

Lets make a baby!

IVF day 2: last BCP, first shot

Well, today is pretty unexciting.  I am watching a little boy to make some extra cash and taking my ganarelix shot tonight at 8pm.

I have also decided to make a big effort to drink a lot more water.  I used to be really good about it back when I was working.  Recently, it seems the water is always in the other room so I wont drink it.  But, my new plan is to keep it next to the kitchen sink and every time I do something at the sink or wash my hands I will take a sip or gulp!  I feel like I almost live at the kitchen sink so this might work!

Last night was the last BCP and I have to admit I am so glad.  I swear they make me so sleepy and tired all day like I am in a sudafed fog.  Lets hope tomorrow I don't feel like this!

Edited to Add:  Last nights shot when in easy and burned/itched a little, but tonight I did a double take and made myself bleed and then the shot burned like hell!  Chris was sweet to get me an ice pack. Please let this lead to a baby and it will ALL be worth it!

Nov. 13

Today, Chris worked at home.  So Owen and I played and danced around him just enjoying having Daddy with us for the morning.  The rest of the day was a whirlwind. Owen got to hang out with his Granddaddy and skipped his nap so tonight he was so tired.  When I was putting him to bed, which is always a sweet time, he looked at me and said "owee, baby"  then he crawled around in my lap until I was holding him like a precious little newborn.  Oh little boy, how you know how to melt your mommy's heart.  So, I held my little toddler like a baby and sang him all the songs that I have been signing him his whole life.  I watched his face and I could see the eyes drooping and then he caught me looking at him and he smiled and tried to hide his sleepy eyes behind his MeMe and his hands.  Oh little toddler, so independent already and "too big" to let mommy rock him to sleep.  I enjoyed rocking him and before the moment could be ruined by a toddler tantrum, I kissed his little lips and put him in his little crib and told him "night night, sweet boy, mommy loves you, night night".

Thank you Jesus for a wonderful day.

Nov. 12

Well, today didn't go as planned.  Playdate canceled due to sickness so I thought I would run a bunch of errands.  Well, that didn't work out either because due to Veterans day the banks and post office were closed.  Duh.  Should have thought of that due to all the FB posts!  So, Owen and I did a little shopping and headed home for nap time.

After nap time we had a dance party for a little while.  Then Owen began noticing his toys had been moved and he noticed the bag full of trains!  Earlier during his nap I had decided today was the day to clean out some toys.  We were beginning to get over run and I know Christmas will be more coming his way.  

Oh the fun we had this afternoon!  

don't you love those gas prices?

100% mine, already loves salsa!

loving his train set

only took him a day, but he can put pieces of the track together!

you can't have enough trains

hum....what to do first?

His first advent calendar!

IVF Day 1: Baseline u/s & b/w

Ok.  I have done 3+ weeks of birth control pills, but today was the IVF class and I consider it Day 1 in our IVF cycle.

Chris and I arrived at the RE's extra early.  I think it was just nerves, but we both didn't want to be late.  The first thing we did was have some blood work done.  Both of us had several STD tests done and I had a few extras including an estrogen level (that came back higher than they wanted, but I will get to that).  Then we went back to the wonderful woman in financial. I swear she makes it as fun as paying could be!  We shelled out $9555.00.  OUCH!  And that doesn't even cover everything!

Then we were taken into the conference room with one of the nurses.  Kim was amazing going through all the paperwork and how to mix injections and taking it one slow step at a time!  About ten minutes in she asked when we wanted to start.  Ummmm.....Today, who pays this and puts it off?  LOL!  Bascally, they seem to start women on Wednesdays and Saturdays.  She said we could go ahead and do a baseline u/s today and ordered having my estrogen with some of the blood they already took from my arm.

After about one hundred sheets of paper later, we had signed our life away (it might be as much as buying a house), talked about different injections till we were blue in the face and put a tentative IVF schedule together!  We were one step closer.

At this point we headed to the u/s room to find out that my ovaries were a little more active than they preferred at this stage.  There was one large follicle on each ovary that was a borderline 10.  Then when my estrogen level came back at a 75 (I think they wanted a 65 or less) they added in some extra shots to our schedule.  What is an extra shot or two at this point I feel like a pro!

So, here is our schedule for the next week:
Nov. 13 (today): baseline u/s & b/w; take ganarelix shot and birth control pill tonight
Nov. 14 (Tomorrow/Wednesday): take ganarelix shot
Nov. 15 (Thursday): repeat estrogen b/w; hear back from nurse with further orders
Nov. 17 (Saturday): start Follistim/Menupur
Nov. 21: u/s to check on progress
the rest is a little up in the air, but the basic is a hopeful ER (egg retrieval) Nov 26-29 and ET (embryo transfer) Dec 1-5! Meaning hopefully we would know if it worked around the 11th!

On our way home, I called my mom, then my "wife" as Chris calls her and then our online pharmacy called us.  Good news is that we have met our deductible and our insurance company is actually paying for HALF of the meds!  Saving us $600!  Plus the RE's office gave us 2 nights worth of the ganarelix that saves us $200!!  SWEET!  Thank you Jesus for small gifts before we could even pray for them!

So, I won't be doing a picture every night, but here is tonight's IVF meds!

Nov. 11

Another Sunday is coming to a close.  Today was a fun day!  Today was a good day!

We attended our small and very close knit church and today was special because Chris's sister and family were there!  After church we all headed to Owen's "I-me's" (Owen's word for Grandmommy).  Owen played HARD keeping up with all his older cousins till 3pm.  WAY past nap time!

Nov. 10

Well, its a Saturday and beautiful outside.  Did we go outside? Nope.  But Mommy did get to sleep in a little AND our friend took amazing photos for our Christmas card!!  Then that afternoon while Daddy worked Mommy got the cards ordered and one or two Christmas presents taken care of!

Here is a sneak peak for my loyal readers! Of course there were more that had our precious boy in, but those are for later!

aaand i am on cloud 9

I was so sad when I thought I was going to have to miss either the Disney on Ice with all my friends & kiddos OR push back our IVF class.

BUT.....

an IVF class opened up and so our appointment got moved from Thursday to Tuesday...yes this Tuesday as in TOMORROW!!!!

::::doing happy dance by myself

Sweet Owen is waking up...might have to have a dance party with him!

(Edit to add:  We did have a great dance party!  I think he loves it when he wakes up and Mommy is in a playful mood!)

Nov. 9

TGIF~

its a pj type of day

hard a work playing!

oh mom, really again!

Nov. 8

I am trying to continue to blog through November.  It will be interesting to see how the holidays effect this later in the month!  Hey, I am just proud that I have blogged 8 days in a row now!

Today has been typical.  Worked out at the Y, ran a few errands, headed to wally world.  By the time we got home it was time for Owen's nap and I have been working on some sewing projects and put some yummy grub into the crock pot!

I have been so sleepy recently. I am getting my normal amount of sleep and still feel like I could take a 3 hour nap.

bling bling!

cause you can't have a post without this adorableness!

Nov. 7

Today, we hung around the house and got lots done.  You know those projects or even little "to do" items?  The ones that bug you.  You see that piece of paper and know you need to do one little thing with it, but you just keep shuffling it around.  You know that email you just keep thinking you will find time to return.  Order that piece needed for the mini-vacuum that only cost $.50 and a 10 minute phone call...you know those things that semi-haunt you.  The things that you think more about doing than it actually takes time to do! 

Today I:

• cleaned and organized our secretary desk
• mailed a birthday present to a friend's daughter 
• listed 2 items on ebay
• took pictures of my toy bags that friends have been requesting so that they might support us
• washed the sheets on the guest bed, so that I might sleep in there on nights when Chris is snoring instead of the sofa (got to love these hormones causing insomnia) 
• did laundry
• clipped coupons
• wiped down 2 shelves in the fridge that were sticky and driving me crazy
• deleted old emails

In between those things I played with my son, took care of the little boy I watch and kept the general house running!  

'cause a box is oh so fun

girlie bags medium sized

boy patterned bags

girlie bags large size

optional appliques 

stressing myself out

I need to relax.  I know this.  But it is easier said than done.

I swear these birth control pills are making me crazy.  I get annoyed at the smallest thing and my poor husband is bearing the brunt of my frustration. I have been comparing this to my "clomid crazy" days.  I am double booking myself and Owen to things and just generally can't remember things.

Here is the biggie that I just realized today:  IVF class is 11am 1 hour north of our house and Disney on Ice is at 10:30am 1 hour south of our house!  I am so MAD at myself.  I could move our class to the 27th, but it makes me sad to push it back even more not that a week is that much of a difference.  Lets pray they have a cancellation and I get worked in.

These pills are also making me so tired, I can get a full nights sleep but still feel like I could pass out or take a 3 hour nap everyday.

I need:
A bubble bath
A back massage
My hair brushed
My house deep cleaned by someone else
My basement organized for me
A personal grocery shopper
Less pregnancy announcements on FB

8 days and the end of BCP will be in sight! I hope!

Nov. 6

Today was an unusual Tuesday.  We usually have Charlie with us, but today Owen had a dr appointment and Daddy went with us.  After the doctors, we headed to our old neighborhood to vote because we hadn't switched our registration yet!  Thankfully, there was no line and we were in and out pretty quick!  Owen can now say he had his first voting experience.  I think he was more impressed with the sticker!

We headed off to eat at an old favorite restaurant and then headed back home.  Owen was late going down for his nap and was getting a little wild, but thankfully he is asleep now and Mommy and Daddy are getting lots done while he sleeps!

Check our our matching jackets!  Not planned!

coloring with Daddy was fun! And the pink lemonade was YUMMY in my cup!

Nov. 5

This morning my son learned to say morning.  He may have said "good morning, mommy/daddy" about 10 times!  He is such a good boy and I am soaking up his goodness!!

10 days till 10k

No, I am not talking about running a 10k.  Today as I wrote the date, Nov 5th; it hit me that in 10 days I will know our IVF schedule and will be writing a rather large check for 10k.  Today, I also canceled my gym membership.  I will have 10 more days to run my butt off....maybe I should have a goal of 10 miles!

(rambling warning) Apparently, this is the post where I am trying to say 10 as many times as possible!  Unfortunately, my creativity is stalling out at 7 times of saying 10, so I probably will not be able to say it 10 times in this post of 10! Ops, I did say it 10 times!! haha!

A girl will do anything to keep busy!

Nov. 4

"Thank you Jesus for a wonderful day."

Early on in Owen's life this is one of the last things I would say to him every night.  Recently, we started really praying with him.  Asking him for other things that he is thankful for.  I think now he knows to start listing the people and objects in his life.  It is really sweet.   I will say "Owen, lets thank Jesus for...."  Grandparents, Mommy, Daddy, MeMe all show up on the list very often.  Then at the end I say "ok Owen what do we say at the end of the prayer?"  Amen.  A sweet little voice that stretches out the ahhhhh-men; usually included with a head bob!

Then I used to just say "night night Mommy loves you", but now its a bit longer as I get requests for "night night MeMe, and Bear Bear"  LOL!  I love it!

12 days to go

12 days till IVF class and shelling out more money for something that may never be tangible.

Definition of Infertility:
Infertility: A medical condition which diminishes self-esteem, your social life, as well as checking and savings accounts. Causes sudden urges to pee on sticks, cry, scream, and a fear of pregnancy announcements. Treated by a medical specialist who you pay to knock you up but this does not always work. Affects 1 in 10 couples. 

Ok the real one is: 
Infertility is the failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year. In primary infertility, pregnancy has never occurred. In secondary infertility, one or both members of the couple have previously conceived, but are unable to conceive again after a full year of trying.

I think all of the above applies to me!

Nov. 3

Oh how our Saturdays seem to run together, but they are all so different.  This morning I let Chris sleep in and Owen and I got up and snuggled, ate breakfast and played with MeMe!  "Play MeMe" This phrase dominates our life most days.  At about 10am we "knock knock" on "Daddy's Room".  The fun began when daddy got up and my men sat on the floor and played guitar for a good long while.

Mommy got some special "her" time and ran to Greensboro for the Holiday Market and shopping with her long time friend April!  I think both ladies needed some girl time and both had issues buying food!  LOL!  Then I got our tickets for Disney on Ice (thank you Aunt Sara!)

I headed home and threw Owen in the car and we rolled up to a very special princess birthday party for two sweet sisters!  Owen was on of the 2 boys there, but I don't think he noticed!

my prince

We headed home and spent the evening with daddy even snuggled in mommy and daddy's big bed before putting the little boy into the crib.

Nov. 2

Today was like a normal Tuesday/Thursday with our little visitor Charlie.  He is a sweet boy and watching him on a Friday threw me off on my days.  After, he left Owen and I played with Daddy for a long time.  Tickles. Running. Throwing the big green ball.  All of it fun and full of giggles!

Daddy had to go play a show so Owen and I ended his day at the Shan house playing and eating amazing pot roast!!

But. This all brings me to this this moment that I NEVER want to forget.  It was 11:30 I was watching TV and about to head to bed.  Well, my little boy started fussing and I noticed that the monitor said 67 in  his room.  Well, usually it says high 70's.  (it is off by a couple degrees on the high side).  Anyway, I knew he was cold.  I was walking back to his room about the time when he broke down and was really crying out in his sleep for me.

I picked up my boy and could feel his cold skin.  I changed his diaper.  He stretched his little legs straight out and if he had been awake it would have been our game "stretch your bones". I softly said it to him and as he laid there with his eyes closed and MeMe clutched closely, a smile formed on his mouth.  Quickly, as only mother of a 20 month old could do, I finished the late night diaper change and cuddled my boy into my arms, his head on my left shoulder.

We sat in the rocking chair that was given to Chris's parents as a wedding gift and given to us for our son's nursery.  I rocked my boy. This is nothing new from this season.  The summer of "rock, mama" that turned to fall "rock me mommy".  My precious boy put his head on my shoulder and we rocked.  It could have been a minute it could have been twenty, but I don't know because I was soaking it in and thanking the Lord for this healthy child in my arms.  So, I tucked his feet up into my lap and reached up under his shirt to rub his back.  His chilly skin was warmed by my hand and then his MeMe fell to the floor.  Just Owen and Mommy rocking in the rocking chair alone.  For once, I was enough for him.

A couple of minutes passed and I felt a little hand stir.  That hand patted my arm, patted all around when a little voice said so quiet. "MeMe".  A smile formed on my face...I can't help it.  MeMe makes him so happy that I don't care that it is the silliest lovey out there.  The fact is Owen loves MeMe so I love MeMe.  It is part of my mommy job to make sure MeMe is found not lost.

During the day, Owen's face will light up when I tell him where MeMe is!  I will do just about anything to make that boy happy.

I picked MeMe off the floor and handed it to my precious baby.  I held him another minute inhaling his scent and sending one last prayer thanking God for my baby and praying for another.

I laid Owen in his crib, covered him up with a blanket and made sure MeMe was in place in his arms.  I brushed his hair out of his eyes and told him I loved him and left my heart in the room as I left.  Yes, I can see he has turned on his side in the crib and is fast asleep.  The temperature is nice and warm in his room now.

30 minutes later I am writing all the details so that I will never forget another amazing moment with my son. Good night world.  Good night Nov. 2nd. Thank you Jesus for another wonderful day.

a friday night

Well, I guess you could say we are preparing for our IVF tonight.  First, Chris has a show tonight to make some extra cash and I did some sewing for my sister-in-law.  I made 12 girly burp clothes for her to sell at the christmas show!  Hey, every little bit helps!  So, now I am sitting down for the first time today and enjoying a glass of toasted head my new fav!  I am working on relaxing!  Sunday morning I am watching a friends little girl too!

I did call the RE today and spoke with a nurse.  So I think I need to call my local YMCA and suspend my membership for a few months.  The only approved exercise is walking 20 mins a day.  Not the 2 miles I have been running!  Also, they said my spotting was normal and thankfully shouldn't affect my cycle.  We are still a go for the 15th....13 days and counting down.  I think my palms are sweating.

Nov. 1

Happy National Blog Posting Month! Better known as NaBloPoMo. Ok, I am not going to say this is going to work, but hey it might give me the kick in the butt I need to blog a little more!

Owen and I went through a rough patch and somehow came out the other side. I have found if I don't force him to try or eat foods he doesn't want then his behavior the rest of the day is better.  I thought the "terrible twos" were on their way, but instead Owen has learned his "no-no's" and as long as Chris and I are consistent with our reprimanding Owen seems to be doing fine.  Sure he tests his boundaries, but I can't tell you how many times everyone told me pick a system and be consistent.  I think we went several weeks without a hand pop or time out; for a 20 month old I find that amazing.

As for the other fun times we spend together we are having fun at playdates with friends, parks, snuggling and watching some TV and reading books!!  

IPhone Picture dump:

walking in mommy's shoes

pushing MeMe in the stroller

"BearBear, I pee pee"

a sucker and a cookie after halloween= Happy Boy!

Our Little Fireman

How ya doing? Nice to see ya!