lil spark update & other things on my mind

Well, the 2nd OB appointment went great.  I wasn't nervous one bit because we had just used the doppler on Sunday evening and found the heartbeat so quickly. I haven't had many pregnancy symptoms to put my fears and doubts to rest, but hearing that heartbeat at the beginning of the week is priceless.  I really can't say it enough.  Though as I sit here typing I am STARVING!   Off to make a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a tall glass of organic 0% milk, YUM!!!  Ok, that was WAY too good, we really are going to have to buy some of the local honey that our neighbor sells.  Oh yeah, you didn't know there is a bee farm beside my house.  Back to baby stuff:  so, the next time we are at the Dr office should be the big Ultrasound.  Sept 22nd only 1 month away!!! Can't wait!

After the appointment, I headed into work and Chris had a few errands to run.  One included a trip to the hospital to speak with someone about the twins delivery bill.  We had gotten the bill in the mail last week, I knew what the number was going to be, but seeing it in print hurt a little a lot.  Over 7k for dead babies (that doesn't even include the prenatal care we payed out of pocket....lets not add it up that would really hurt).  I hope it doesn't bother anyone when I say things like that, it is just how my logical mind works.  I have been really stressed waiting for this bill, Chris kept talking about how we would negotiate with them, but I knew from talking to a few women in billing that there wasn't much room.  I, also, knew if I did the negotiating then I would end up in tears and Chris wouldn't be satisfied with the number IE a fight.  So, getting him to negotiate was the best thing.  Thankfully, Chris stepped up when I told him I couldn't do it.   

One other thing, I need to vent about.  Really, should it take 8 months to get the bill in?  I don't think so. I think for each month I should get a discount for their lack of organization.  I know it really doesn't work that way, but one could hope!

So, Chris was able it to get $700 knocked off of it...but we had to pay in full that day. So, out came the debit cards and wiped out our checking accounts.  But it is so nice that it is paid off. All that is left to do is print the confirmations and recieve a statement in the mail showing a $0.00 balance and file it all away.  This is the last "thing" out there hanging to be finished.  Interestingly enough I am not as emotional as I thought I would be.  So, I am turning the page on this chapter of my life.  I know there will still be some dark times; January 9th will  never be the same again, when people forget about our twins~they will ALWAYS be our first borns.  But, I hope that the pain will continue to ease and maybe one day I will be willing to release the ashes of the most precious bodies that I held inside me for 19 weeks.  But right now I like having them inside my home.  I want to bring this new baby home and know all my children are together under one roof, even if my twins spirits are in heaven.  I've always been a little scared of death, but I have wonderful Grandparents waiting for me and now my precious babies.  I look forward to seeing them all again one day. 

I am keeping myself busy these days.  I don't want to dwell on the past, even writing this post is deeper than I originally wanted to go.  I think of my baby boys often, I can close my eyes and remember holding them whenever I chose, even though doing that brings tears to the backs of my eyes.  I am trying to fill my life so full right now.  You should see my calendar most weekends are full of places to go and people to see.  This new baby has a lot to do with where my mind goes these days.  I am counting down the days to our next milestone.  I am ready to go into new territory, a place that I never got to experience with the twins.  It makes me both sad and happy to think about experiencing those things with lil spark that the twins and I never got to before.  

Who are you in there?  We want to know.  Who are you going to become? 


Is it February yet?