Jeanna's Motherhood Journey

Laura Story - "Blessings" Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

A friend mentioned that this song made her think of me.  I found the lyrics to be very touching as I did find "healing through tears" and some days the only comfort I found was knowing my babies were in Heaven with God as their Father keeping them safer that I ever could have.  I read the book Heaven is For Real.  It really helped me recently in picturing heaven.  (Please lets not turn this into a debate of if the boy really did go to heaven.)  In picturing heaven it gave me more peace about where my sons are, where I am going and a little less fear of dying.

Tomorrow is my first mother's day according to many. But really it is my second.  It will be the first mother's day that we celebrate, that I have anticipated for and not dreaded.  But it is still a little bittersweet as I will never forget those two faces that were so peaceful and still.  Tomorrow will be my first mother's day with Owen, my sweet precious little boy who continues to melt my heart everyday.  I love him more and more.  I love his smell, his hands that look like his daddy's, his gummy smiles, his eyes that look at me while he is nursing and that follow me as I walk across the room.  I could write forever all the things that I love about him and I've only known him for 3 months!  I had heard that being a mom was "difficult", "its a lot of hard work", "you'll never sleep again so sleep now" so I was told.  I don't look at raising Owen as work, I feel it is a calling from God put inside me.  It is difficult at times to make decisions on what will be the "best" for him, but not a difficult task that I have to get threw.  And those sleepless night that everyone seemed to dread.  I find that as I get up for yet another late feeding or early morning feeding, I look down at my precious boy and send prayers above of thankfulness.  I stare at his peaceful face and remember the other kind of sleepless nights of emptiness and grief.  How did I get so blessed?  Owen is so perfect and even after carrying him inside of me for 9 months and having him here for almost 3 I can't believe it.  I still look at him and wonder how he got here, how I am so luckly to have a healthy baby.

To all the mothers of babies in heaven I am thinking of you and all the women who desperately are wanting to be mommies.  It has been a very long year since the last mothers day and I hope that all of you get your take home babies too.