2 years ago....

I wish I could have talked to myself 2 years ago.  I would have told myself that you don't need that Mellow Yellow and all that caffeine for the ultrasound I was headed to that morning. Actually, I would have told myself to head to the doctor the moment my heart knew something was wrong.  Not that I actually think they could have done anything, but maybe they could have....I don't let myself go there.

I would have told myself that in 2 years from now you will be staring at the most beautiful face you have ever seen and that he is the greatest kid on earth!  That even though those 2 little baby boys wouldn't be yours to hold on this earth that this part of your life's journey is going to make you stronger than you would ever imagine.  That it would bring you closer to other women who you would never have had the chance to meet.  That losing those little boys would create a wound that you soothed with words and in turn those words helped others in similar situations.  That losing them would make you realize how lucky each day is with Owen.  That losing them would bring you more closer to your husband and God that you would have thought possible.

Two days from now will be two years since I gave birth to my first sons, January 9th.  Abe and Benny the nicknames that stuck.  Abe was the bigger of the two, baby A as sometimes we call him.  Abe was so perfect, his eyes were closed and his arms were crossed on his chest.  His ten fingers were perfect and peaceful. When Owen was born I saw some of Abe in Owen's face.  Abe's skins was cool to touch, but soft and so real.  I pressed a kiss on his forehead with my fingertip.

Little Benny.  Our sweet tiny little boy.  He fought some high odds and didn't win.  But he is our sweet tiny baby.  He was wrapped up so tight that all I could see of him was his little face.  His face was smaller than Abe's, but so identical.  I remember looking at his lips and thinking those were Chris' lips and that I wouldn't get the chance in this lifetime to kiss them as much as I wanted.

Today, two years later I am comforted by the sounds of my son and his daddy rolling a ball on the floor.  Chris is excitedly dictating each thing Owen is doing and saying to me even though I am only four feet away.  My son Owen is so alive and full of life.  Giggles, squeals, baby talk are filling our living room as I type this.

My heart is on the verge of tears as I remember them, but my mind keeps reminding me that Owen is here.  That I need to look forward not backward to realize how far we have come.  That while it is ok to remember them today with sadness I need to look forward and remember how full my heart is.

But, ladies I do think of you.  My fellow warriors that have lost babies.  The mother's who's arms are still empty and I can't imagine how yall do it.  And especially the women whose arms have never been full who are still waiting for that wonderful day for their baby.

I thank the Lord for this morning two years later and I wish I could have told that girl on the way to the ultrasound that the next few years would be tough, but it would be worth it.

this morning my heart is full

last night my happy boy

last night matching daddy