My words are like my tears once they get started they might never stop.
This week I would have been 30 weeks pregnant. I would have named our little boys and I would have posted a HUGE belly pic for all to see. I would have had a baby shower and we would have finished all our child-birthing classes. I would be as big as a cow and LOVING it! I wouldn't care about stretch marks or how fat my face was...I would be 30 weeks with 2 boys on the way into my arms. I would be complaining about how uncomfortable I was, but at the same time loving every kick into my bladder/kidney/rib...what are those other places everyone complains about???....I don't know because I only got to feel a few flutters, before their heart beats stop beating. I would be getting so big that people would stare, that Chris would have to help me stand up. Or I might be on bedrest and I would have not complained because they would still be growing. January 9th would mean nothing to me. It would not be the day they were born, but just another wonderful Saturday.
Instead, I am here. Empty arms. Empty uterus. I am just here. I am keeping my days so full with work that I get home exhausted, zone out in front of the tv and then fall into bed praying for a dreamless sleep. Last night, as I cuddled with Chris before falling asleep I began thinking about how instead of carrying my twins into our new home in my belly they will be carried into the house in their tiny urns. The day we picked them up from the funeral home I placed them in our living room where they are close to me. Soon, we will be leaving the one house that our whole family lived in...even if it was only for a short 19 weeks, those were some of the happiest time of my life.
It is not getting easier, it is just sinking into my soul and making a home within me. I am changed. I am different. I handle stress differently. I am as my mother put it "fragile". When the tears start there is no way to stop them, they roll down my face faster than a tissue can dry them up. Even disappointments that have nothing to do with our babies are magnified. The smallest things can make me cry and then I can't stop because then I feel the pain...deep soulful pain.
I don't feel like a mother even though I have two beautiful faces in pictures to prove it and it seems that everywhere I go and in different conversations it is pointed out more and more that I am not a mother. That I don't "know" what it is like to be in that club. That until I have my own living child that I will not "know" what it is like. Well, let me tell you all. Until, you lose a child you don't know what pain is...until you TRY for months and month and can't conceive you don't KNOW what truly WANTING a child is like.
Guess what I do "know"? I will appreciate my child more, love my child more and I will know that because I have lost two babies and I know what is is like to lose them and until you experience it, and I hope you never have to.....you will never know.
I don't want to hear that "one day it will happen", it did happen for me and then it was taken away. I hate hearing "God has a plan". I know that, do you think I am stupid? Don't you think that I have already realized that...don't you think someone else or say 50 others have already said that to me?
I know it is a depressing topic, and that most people just want to say they are sorry and forget about it and I wish it was that easy for me, but its not. They were my babies, my tiny palm sized precious prayed for babies. If you have to say something, just say you've been thinking of them, of us. That all I need. To know that they are remember, and maybe even loved by a few.
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ahhh..jeanna. you are still in my prayers. I pray that god gives you strength to continue to get through this sad time.
ReplyDeleteYou, your husband, your tiny palm sized precious prayed for babies will continue to be in my prayers. May God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteIt is quite possible that no one may know the depth of love you feel for your babies, because a mother's love is truly a remarkable bond. But I can guarantee that others (especially your family) fell in love with those little babies, too, before they were born. I know I've never met you, but I think of you all the time.
ReplyDeleteAnd its okay to be angry. And sad. And depressed. And wistful. Those are YOUR feelings and no one can take those away from you.
I think about you every day Jeanna. I hold you in my heart. I don't know how you go on. I hope for you that peace will come somehow, thought I can't imagine that it will ever be possible. I'm so sorry for your devastating, devastating loss. I'm crying for your angles, for you, for your husband, for your family right now. I'm so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeanna,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today and it brought me to tears. I lost one of my multiples in September and understand the deep, deep hurt. Words can't express what you're feeling, but know it's ok to feel. Your world was dramatically changed and your future not at all what was excitedly planned. Your babies won't ever be forgotten. I read a quote, "There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world." We've been blessed by our angels. You will be in our prayers daily!
You're right. There's no way that anyone else who hasn't gone through what you have can imagine it. And knowing that it's God's plan doesn't ease the pain you're feeling. I think of you and your boys daily and wish so much that things were different. Your family will continue to be in my prayers and sending big hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteOh honey. I completely understand and if you ever want to stand on the roof top and scream it to the world, I'll stand with you, hold your hand and we will scream it together and DARE people to try and talk us down.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you need to tell it. Tell how you feel and get it out. Big hugs and know that there are those that feel your pain and stand with you and pray for you and remember your boys.
(((HUGS))) I am feeling the same way - you are not alone. I know what you mean of people just saying they are sorry and that is the end of it - like I am suppose to be over it now - but how do you just get over such a loss. I think we are both in the angry stage of grieve. Just know I am here for you if you ever want to talk and I will never just say I am sorry and move on - because I know your pain and I know it just does not go away just like that.
ReplyDeleteJeanna,
ReplyDeleteI DO KNOW GIRL! I would have been 31 weeks this Thursday with our baby boys. I want to suggest you read the book I'm reading right now...Forever Altered Yet Unbroken by Kasey M. Carter.