test results & rantings

Earlier this week I received a phone call from my Dr's office.  I had forgotten about the test results that we were waiting on, we feel we already had our "why this happen" so when I answered the phone I was quite a bit curious. 

Nurse Traci is my usual nurse, she has the sweetest caring voice and I always feel like she knows me. It is nice to always be called by the same nurse.  I meet her the day we found out that they were gone, but didn't remember much other than crying. Thought I did put a face to her voice at my 3 week check up when I delivered a little thank you gift.  In the days following our twins birth, Traci called us several times about various test results and answers to my many question.  She has always been so pateint and kind. 

It was nice to hear her voice on Tuesday, but unfortunately she didn't have good news.  The news could have been worse, but it still hurt to hear.  Worst case we could have found out that we would have some genetic hurtles to overcome; I don't even know ANYTHING about this and really don't want to have to learn.  Anyway back to Tuesday,  we had sent samples from each twin to have chromosome testing done.  Traci in the sweetest way possible said that the samples that were sent off were not viable.  So, our babies chromosomes didn't grow; the little pieces of them that I thought were out growing didn't make it either.  I asked her so basically this mean the samples were to far gone when they received them, that my babies were so dead they couldn't do the test.  One word answer, yes. 

I didn't know this was even an issue; logically looking back now I can understand that this might happen.  It would have been nice if someone along the way had said "hey this might happen".  I am wondering when this bill will come in and how much we paid to find out that our dead babies were in fact dead down to the smallest of cells.

I am sorry if this is coming across as bitter or negative, but this is how I feel.  These are the thoughts that have been bottled up all this week as I am refusing to think about my beautiful sons' faces (yes I woke up picturing them this morning and then pushed the image away with thoughts of work).  This is my blog you can read it or not, but this is what is going through my head right now and this blog has become my place I store these thoughts. 

I have read other blogs of mother's who have lost their babies and these thoughts and words are not new, but they are very real and fresh to me.  I never wanted this to be this way, but these is all part of my journey.  I am just ready to be on the happy part of the trail again......

CLIMB-website

One of the mom's from the multiples group Chris and I attended before the holidays sent this website to me the other day.  I thought I would share as there are other mother's who have lost multiples.

Center for Loss In Multiple Births (CLIMB)

http://www.climb-support.org/

blogger award!

Thanks Jackie for nominating me! 

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

- Copy the award and place it in your blog.

- Link the person who nominated you for this award.

- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

- Nominate 7 bloggers

- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

About me:

1.  I was born in Albuquerque New Mexico, but I am a Carolina Girl at heart and call NC home.

2.  My name is pronounced like Gina, not Jena or G-anna, it comes from my Grandmother (Jean) and my mother (Jeanine), I am proud of my unique spelling name~even though it is a pain most of the time

3.  There are way to many "j" names in our family and so I always thought I would marry a guy who's name started with a "j" about 3 months into dating Chris; I found out his first name is Jesse....this marriage was ordained by God.

4. My dad used to own an airplane and I got to hold the controls and copilot one time!

5.  Fraggle Rock is my ring tone on my phone and is still my favorite childhood show.

6.  I didn't ever suck a thumb or finger, but instead stuck my finger in my belly button till my dad told me it might drill a hole through me and scared me straight.  Chris still laughs when I do this in my sleep sometimes.

7. I have a bad habit of when I am with someone picking up their accent or way of saying words....recently i have been saying "I'm gonna" which my husband hates and is helping me break.  Jury is still out where I picked that one up

Seven Bloggers that I nominate(no specific order):
1. Jenni (click here)
2. Ashley (click here)
3. Christie (click here)
4. Sara (click here)
5. Krista (click here)
6. Tara (click here)

 7. Flutterby (click here)

I hope you all enjoy checking out these bloggers! 

one month

today is one month since I held my baby boys and told them good bye

love, grandmommy

In the days following the birth of our twins different things would come across my mind and cause me to realize that our dreams were not going to come true.

My mother-in-law used to own a sewing store, she is always working on about five projects.  Over the years I have gotten to see lots of things that she has made like:  christening gowns, little dresses, knit hats/scarves/socks and even some tiny little clothes my husband wore at birth.  Because when you are premature in the 80's there is no such thing as store bought preemie outfits, there are doll clothes and hand made items by mom.  So, I have always known that she would make things for our future children, I have always looked forward to that day when we would get to design them together.  A couple of days before the ultrasound, Judy turned to me and said she would be starting to make something for the twin once we knew their genders.  Of course, that day, that was supposed to be so fun was the worst day of my life.

During the next few weeks these little things would cross my mind and I realized that just because our babies didn't survive that it didn't mean that their Grandmommy couldn't make them something/anything.  One evening, I called her up and through my tears asked her to make the boys something.  Really, it is more for us as their parents since they will never use it, but I think that we all found it to be very comforting thought.

I had no idea what she would end up making and she kept asking me what I wanted her to do.  I couldn't even think about it because I wanted her to be making clothes that they would be wearing not something to keep as a memory of the 19 weeks they were with us.

So this Sunday, Judy hands me a small white paper bag and inside it is this small light blue pocket.  She hand sewed everything you see.  I have to describe all the details because otherwise you wouldn't know the time she put into it.  The light blue rectangle background is hand smocked (I never even knew this word till I entered this family) it is where you take the fabric and fold back and forth sewing to create a raised area to then sew a design on.  If you look close you can see two hearts with their initials in them, little A and B.  Around the rectangle is tatting.  I think that is how you spell it.  This was also handmade out of thread~I can't imagine ever doing this.  Then she sewed the whole thing onto a lighter blue pocket.  When she gave it to me she said she didn't know what I would put in it, but I knew right away.

First to go in the pocket is the card from the hospital that has their footprints on it.  There are smudges from the nurses gloves because it was difficult to get their tiny footprints because they were so tiny.  Second is a hope stone.  This stone deserves its own post and I am just not able to write about it yet.

It is hard to see their feet in the pictures, but they are about the size of the hope stone...somehow I feel that it all was designed buy God.  Like how the pocket perfectly fits the card without planning it.  There just are way too many coincidences to believe otherwise.   

Thank you, mama holmes, we love it.

angel necklace

My new charms came for my necklace, one day I will add more charms for our other children that we hope to have one day.  I bought these off etsy dot com, bragg about it store. I am already enjoying wearing the necklace, it is neat to look down and a different charm is on top.

almost 1 month

In four days it will be 1 month since I held our baby boys and said goodbye to them, I feel that I should be rejoicing making it to 24 weeks, isn't that viability?  That they would have been big enough that their chances of survival outside of the womb would have greatly improved.  Instead, I get to look down at the 8 pounds that has made a new home around my middle and keeps me in maternity pants.  That the line near my belly button is still there a small remembrance that my body once held two perfect little boys.  I will never regret those 19 blissful weeks of being pregnant, they were beautiful and special.  I got to hold my babies inside me for 19 wonderful weeks.
This has been a life changing experience that I would never wish on anyone.  I think today has been a harder day due to the dreary weather and the fact I haven't cried in a few days.  I don't like the depressed person that I am right now, I don't want to wallow in grief, but somehow I can't find my way out.  Last night, I laughed, I mean really laughed.  I had fun, really a lot of fun.  I was with my sisters and we get each other and we all laugh at the stupid stuff that no one but us gets.   I think my face is still soar from all the laughter. 

But, it is almost like after such a great evening out with my sisters' that I reopened my vault of emotions.  That the wall of denial that I had erected became cracked last night.   With feeling the laughter I have to also feel the pain.  The grief and sadness are ready to escape from me and I can't do anything to stop it.  My goal is to hold up until I am back in Chris's arms, where I allow myself to feel it.  In his arms I can know 100% he understands, that there will be no judgment and only love. 

I know that good has come from the loss of our twins, I have made new friends and grown stronger as a woman for Christ.  But, I just continue to believe that I would have been a great Mom to them and Chris would have been a great father.  We would have been great parents if only given that chance.  

As, Chris and I say to one another every day, we want our babies, we want those precious babies because they were ours for 19 short weeks and we love them and will love them for the rest of our lives.