In four days it will be 1 month since I held our baby boys and said goodbye to them, I feel that I should be rejoicing making it to 24 weeks, isn't that viability? That they would have been big enough that their chances of survival outside of the womb would have greatly improved. Instead, I get to look down at the 8 pounds that has made a new home around my middle and keeps me in maternity pants. That the line near my belly button is still there a small remembrance that my body once held two perfect little boys. I will never regret those 19 blissful weeks of being pregnant, they were beautiful and special. I got to hold my babies inside me for 19 wonderful weeks.
This has been a life changing experience that I would never wish on anyone. I think today has been a harder day due to the dreary weather and the fact I haven't cried in a few days. I don't like the depressed person that I am right now, I don't want to wallow in grief, but somehow I can't find my way out. Last night, I laughed, I mean really laughed. I had fun, really a lot of fun. I was with my sisters and we get each other and we all laugh at the stupid stuff that no one but us gets. I think my face is still soar from all the laughter.
But, it is almost like after such a great evening out with my sisters' that I reopened my vault of emotions. That the wall of denial that I had erected became cracked last night. With feeling the laughter I have to also feel the pain. The grief and sadness are ready to escape from me and I can't do anything to stop it. My goal is to hold up until I am back in Chris's arms, where I allow myself to feel it. In his arms I can know 100% he understands, that there will be no judgment and only love.
I know that good has come from the loss of our twins, I have made new friends and grown stronger as a woman for Christ. But, I just continue to believe that I would have been a great Mom to them and Chris would have been a great father. We would have been great parents if only given that chance.
As, Chris and I say to one another every day, we want our babies, we want those precious babies because they were ours for 19 short weeks and we love them and will love them for the rest of our lives.
Wedding Wrecks, Fangirl Edition
6 days ago
xoxo
ReplyDeleteits so hard jeanna...and grief does not follow a straight line. just when you think you are doing well, you fall down another hill.
don't ever feel bad about letting yourself miss your babies or grieve that they are not physically with you. i miss my girls so much and i miss my big belly and knowing that they were safe inside of me. if only our love could have kept our children safe...
im thinking about you today. i wish it was different. its all so unfair.
((hugs))
lisa
Oh, hon. I know nothing of your pain, but I am so deeply moved by your posts. You are an encouragement and testimony of God's grace. I am sure you don't feel that way or even realize it now. Praying for you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about laughing and laughing, and yet still feeling such a deep hurt. I hate it, and I hate always being debbie downer at the end of the day, but uggh it's just so hard. Hang in there. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Jeanna. You've been so brave and positive through all of this pain. You are allowed to be sad and angry. It's not fair, not one bit. I'm praying for lots of happy times in your future. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHi Jeanna, Just wanted to let you know your posts make me cry every time I read them. I guess I should feel "blessed that I have never been able to have children, even my one miscarriage was so early I didn't know I was pregnant until it was too late. None since. No miscarriages, no pregnancies. Back to my thought. I have never felt the kind of pain you feel emotionally, so thus the statement I should feel blessed. Don't get me wrong. I don't really consider being barren a blessing, because God wants us to reproduce, but the blessing is not having to feel the pain of loss. What's that old saying, you don't miss what you haven't had? Well, that's true in some sense, but not true because I do miss not having sons or daughters to come to me with questions, or needing my advice, or grandchildren to spoil. I don't miss the chance of losing them. Whether they're still in the womb, get sick, or in an accident. I don't miss the chance of losing them.
ReplyDeleteAs encouragement, when your emotions start to get the best of you, turn your thoughts to Job. Yes, God Allowed Satan to "torture" Job to show Satan that Job was faithful to God, but the Lord also blessed Job many times over when the torture was finished. I'm sure Job didn't forget the children that he lost, his health, or any of his material things like his animals(livelihood), his home and other things, but God did bless him many times over for remaining faithful and loving Him.
God Bless You and your hubby,
Love & Prayers,
PJ