Earlier this week I received a phone call from my Dr's office. I had forgotten about the test results that we were waiting on, we feel we already had our "why this happen" so when I answered the phone I was quite a bit curious.
Nurse Traci is my usual nurse, she has the sweetest caring voice and I always feel like she knows me. It is nice to always be called by the same nurse. I meet her the day we found out that they were gone, but didn't remember much other than crying. Thought I did put a face to her voice at my 3 week check up when I delivered a little thank you gift. In the days following our twins birth, Traci called us several times about various test results and answers to my many question. She has always been so pateint and kind.
It was nice to hear her voice on Tuesday, but unfortunately she didn't have good news. The news could have been worse, but it still hurt to hear. Worst case we could have found out that we would have some genetic hurtles to overcome; I don't even know ANYTHING about this and really don't want to have to learn. Anyway back to Tuesday, we had sent samples from each twin to have chromosome testing done. Traci in the sweetest way possible said that the samples that were sent off were not viable. So, our babies chromosomes didn't grow; the little pieces of them that I thought were out growing didn't make it either. I asked her so basically this mean the samples were to far gone when they received them, that my babies were so dead they couldn't do the test. One word answer, yes.
I didn't know this was even an issue; logically looking back now I can understand that this might happen. It would have been nice if someone along the way had said "hey this might happen". I am wondering when this bill will come in and how much we paid to find out that our dead babies were in fact dead down to the smallest of cells.
I am sorry if this is coming across as bitter or negative, but this is how I feel. These are the thoughts that have been bottled up all this week as I am refusing to think about my beautiful sons' faces (yes I woke up picturing them this morning and then pushed the image away with thoughts of work). This is my blog you can read it or not, but this is what is going through my head right now and this blog has become my place I store these thoughts.
I have read other blogs of mother's who have lost their babies and these thoughts and words are not new, but they are very real and fresh to me. I never wanted this to be this way, but these is all part of my journey. I am just ready to be on the happy part of the trail again......
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oh jeanna, I am so sorry for you and your hubby, such sad news. I can't imagine the pain of hearing that. You know, that Patrick and my prayers are still with you everyday! If you ever want to chat, you have my number! :)
ReplyDeletealso, I haven't forgotten about the blog award taht you gave me, but Pat has been so sick since we were in the ER on Valentines day, that I haven't had much chance to really sit down and blog, and attach links to my posts..I will have it done this weekend!
keep your faith up sweetie. xoxo
Oh Jeanna, that must have been excruciating to hear. I'm so, so sorry. Sometimes, it seems that medical professionals take things for granted and "forget" to explain what to expect. So frustrating. Please feel free to vent as much as you want/need to. Scream, throw things, whatever mood strikes you--no one can be positive all the time, especially after having gone through such a devastatingly painful experience. We are here for you through good times and bad. Thank you so much for continuing to be there for us as well. You are a true friend.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet lady - I am SO sorry. I can't imagine what you are thinking/feeling but you know that you can write whatever you would like on this blog. I am praying for you lady... thinking of you guys through this insanely hard time and know you will get through it!! Sending tons of *Hugs* your way!
ReplyDeleteJeanna -we are all here for you. Vent away and in your own way. We love you!! ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry - you have ever right to be upset and angry - I know would too especially having to pay OOP - which totally sucks. I am so very sorry you got bad news and I wish there was more answers for you - just know I am here if you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog and appreciate your boldness and honesty. I don't know you, but I was thinking that this relates to me b/c my family has all recently been tested for genetic disorders. My father had a blood clot which lead us all to go find out whether we were prone to blood clots as well. My cousin was pregnant and lost her baby girl at 6months and with many tests done and questions thrown out there, it was finally determined that she herself was positive for one of our families blood disorders. It was undetected and without DNA testing, she might not have understood "WHY ME". But basically she developed a blood clot in the placenta which cut the nutrients off to the baby and found out she has MTHFR mutation. When I heard this and got pregnant myself, I was SOO scared b/c I had also been confirmed with this same mutation. Later I find out that I have 3 of them (MTHFR, Factor V and Prothrombin Factor II). Pregnancy is treated with a lot more care now and since my cousins loss, she has had 2 successful pregnancies. Don't give up hope. I'm sure your Dr's are researching and trying to answer many questions and you might have already had your blood work done to check for these possible issues, but it certainly would help answer some of your questions if it was something you were a carrier of as well. Good luck to you and God Bless!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your news. I think about you a lot. You are in my prayers. I can not even imagine what you must be going through. ~~HUGS~~
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