meet my new IRL friend!

the tale of two woman destined to become friends during the most difficult times:

This is Ashely.  Isn't she gorgeous?










We met online when we were both going through infertility and the common bond lead to finding out we had more in common than we would ever have dreamed.  It all started on the old trouble trying to conceive chat board, then we began reading each others blogs.  This was over 2 years ago.  Ashley was wicked excited when we announced we were having twins and continued to be a supportive friend, eventually we swapped emails and then we were really in trouble.  Who knew it would lead to this friendship we have today.  The emails led to text messages and then one day Ashely asked if it would be ok if she called me.  Thus started our once a week phone calls on our commutes home.  That first phone conversation was a whirl wind and I ended up sitting in my car in the drive way for an extra 30 minutes!

A couple of months later we realized that we would be within 2 hours driving distance of one another and we HAD to get together!  It couldn't have worked out more perfect that Charlotte was on their way to the beach and just so happened that it was on our way to the beach too! So.....

Here we are at Sticky Fingers, Ashely's husband's favorite restaurant that Chris and I had never been too!!  We ate great food, talked none stop and overall just had a great evening!  Our darling hubbies hit it off too!  Not that we were worried!

The picture with us all together was blurry, but that just means we have to get together again......and I just BOOKED FLIGHTS TO BOSTON for the end of August!!!!!!

Ash and Pat we are wicked excited and can't wait to see yall again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ETA:  If you want to check out Ashley here is her lovely blog:  MAGMC

6 months ago today

Sometimes I feel that if I put these feelings, thoughts and words out here on this blog then I can let go of them just a little bit more.  This day six months ago haunts me more than any other memory.  In a way, I would love to forget it, but then I don't want to forget any memory that has to do with our babies.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and it is like a bad movie stuck on skip replaying over and over again.

The morning started off great.  I went to work completed a few things before running to the convenience store for some sugar and caffeine=Mountain Dew.  I never buy this drink, but I wanted those babies awake and active so we could hopefully find out the sexes. We wanted to begin the fun process of naming them and start planing for them, I was ready to know Pink or Blue.  Was it dresses and bows or drums and guitars in our future. 

I hoped into my brand new minivan and headed to the doctors office.  While in the car, I began calling those who were going to be meeting me.  I can't remember who I called first, but Chris and his mom were running late and Sara was just a few minutes behind me.  I arrived in the waiting room, checked in and sat where I could see the door.  I looked down at my belly, patted it and told my babies, "See you soon!"  (oh how I didn't realize the extent of how soon I truly would be seeing them).  First arrived Sara; I was so excited that at the last minute she was coming with us!  The nurse called me back and I looked at the entrance door one last time before heading to the back, where is Chris!?! 

"Nurse, please, make sure my husband finds us quickly; he can't miss this!!"  

"Did you read my file?  We are having twins!"  

We arrived in the room and the u/s tech began setting up the machine, she put the precious cold jelly on my belly and as the wand was approaching in walks the man of my life, the father to these babies.   

"Whew, hey honey you made it!  No, she hasn't started yet!"

Everyone got settled down, Sara, then Judy (Chris' mom) and Chris.  Chris was so far away, but I wasn't looking at them, I was looking at the screen.

"Nurse, I know you have to do certain things, 
just tell me they have heartbeats and then I will be quiet."

click click

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silence

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click click
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18weeks flashes on the screen (that's not right, I am 19 weeks)
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click click

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16 weeks flashes on the screen (WTF?? this isn't good)

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"Just tell me. I can tell by looking that there is no heartbeats, they are gone aren't they?"
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Nurse looks at me with sad eyes and says, "I'll get the DR and yes they are gone."

Shockwaves go through my body

"no"

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"no"

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"No"

"NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! "

(while stomping my feet on the table and clutching my husband for dear life)

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"I knew it in my heart, I knew they were gone, that something was wrong."

At this point the rest of the day gets fuzzy with crystal clear moments.  I remember burring my head into Chris' shoulder, I remember asking if they were boys or girls, (they thought girls and were wrong).  I knew these twins were too good to be true, that I didn't deserve to be their mother.  I remember asking my sister to call our mom and a woman at my office to let them know I wasn't coming back that day.  I remember closing my eyes and Chris leading me out of the office, out the side door, they didn't want anyone seeing me or was it so I didn't have to see any other pregnant woman.  They gave me 2 little pink pillows to hold.  I remember getting in the car, turning to Chris and saying.  "I have to call Christie".  I remember the joy in her voice when she answered, just busting to know if Camryn was getting girl or boy friends to play with.  I remember the confusion and then tears in her voice after I told her:  "They are gone."  

I remember sitting in my minivan and looking down at my mountain dew, that was purchased by such a different person. I thought about littering that day, that God would understand that I didn't want to look at it, but I didn't.  Why does that even stick in my head, that image of that soda bottle rolling around on the floorboard.  The rest of the day was a blur as I called friends or they called me; as we updated this blog and our facebook statuses.  I remember looking at my belly, lying in bed thinking that they were no longer growing that I would be meeting them the coming weekend, too soon.  I remember wondering what they would look like scared because of the unknown.

You can read the rest of the story in the post here. 

I am still grieving for these boys, they were made by God inside me from parts of me and parts of my husband.   They never got the chance to know how much they would have been loved, but I will tell them one day when I see them again, till then I cling to my remembrance necklace, gaze at the few pictures we have of them and hold close the memories of holding them in my arms

a vent about the green stuff

So, we still haven't received the bill from the hospital.  On one hand, I am not wanting to give them any money to pay for the birth of my dead babies, but on the other hand it is one more reminder out there dangling in the back of my mind reminding me that the door I keep trying to close wont close.  I want to move forward.  I want to think about our babies in a positive light, remembering the time I was pregnant with them and the moments after their birth and their beautiful faces.  I don't want to have to think about how much it potentially cost me. 

I am not a patient person.  

It has been 5 months. 
Send me the bill.

Lets negotiate a fair price.

I'll pay it off.

Move on with our lives. 

You would think this is how it would work, right?  So, I decided to call the hospital and my insurance company (IC from now on) yesterday.  The hospital said they were waiting on IC get back with them.  The IC said they were waiting on the hospital for a reimbursement for over paying the claim.  (Sounds fishy doesn't it!)

By this time it is already almost 6pm yesterday and the lady at the hospital that I needed to speak to was gone for the day.  I left her a message.  She called back this morning.  She was very sympathetic to our situation and did the extra step in her job and called the IC and said she would then call me back.  She just called me back and she was able to straighten out our claim.  Basically, we owe roughly $8k for our dead babies delivery. This just plain sucks.  I knew it was going to be about that much, but to walk away from the hospital with no baby, it just seems a like A LOT of MONEY!  The nice lady at the hospital transferred me the woman in billing to see if I can get a further discount off of this number.  Well, this lady (who's voice was filled with indifference, like she could care less about her job and the people she is talking to) that you have to make less than $29k between the 2 of us to qualify, oh and yes that is BEFORE taxes.  Well, I will go ahead and admit that we make a little more than that!!   

So what am I to do.  Do I put us on a payment plan and have to see it come out of our bank account for the next 2 years.  Or do we suck it up and pay all the money and think about what a huge waste it was and our bank account will be depleted.  I know we are going to have to pay some money, and we have had the most wonderful outpouring of love from family and friends supporting us financially.  I have held this money in a separate account just for this purpose, but I feel that I should still be respectful of those gifts and make sure we are not just throwing it aimlessly at the hospital and giving it to our IC. 

This post is by no means a beg for money. I hope that no one reads it this way.  This is just what I am dealing with and this blog is my dumping ground.  Most of the time when I put this "stuff" here I am able to move on and focus on other things or in some cases get my head around what is bothering me. 

A few prayer requests: 
Pray that I have the strength to not yell at the lady in billing. 
Pray that we are able to find ways to find more money in our budget.
Pray that they will be willing to negotiate with us some. 
Pray that if I do have to pay this that I can come to peace with paying it and move forward and that we will be able to save this money up again for our hopeful future babies.

I guess this is what it boils down to.   That money was lovingly saved, music equipment sold, things that we went without so that we would be able to pay for their birth and walk away with the most precious babies in our arms debt free.  And now yes we can still walk away debt free, but our arms are still empty and that hurts.  We just wanted those babies and I would have paid more than 8k for them if I could have. I still would.

photo session

So, I love the photo's we just had taken, I had prepaid for a maternity session and didn't want to waste the money.  So, we tried to be as positive as possible and we turned it into a welcome to our new house and land.  All the pictures were take on our property.  At the very end, he took the shot of us holding my necklace.  I think that throughout my life I will always find new ways to remember our babies by.  Here are a few of the photos he put up on his blog. Here is Matt's blog:  click here

names in the sand

I can't tell you what a source of support I have found through this special group of women.  We have all come together because we have all lost a baby in one way or another.  As a mother you want to hear your babies name, you want to talk about them and you think about them all the time.  As a mother of angel babies sometimes there isn't anything new to say.  They are not eating new foods or learning new things; they are in heaven.  Yes its nice to think they are with my Grandfather, but when friends and family ask how I am doing there isn't anything new to say. 

In this group we have started a tradition of writing our babies names in the sand.  Part of what is so special is that each woman who writes the name knows how important it will be to the mommy.  I am looking forward to doing this next month when I go to the beach.

Shanna was visiting the San Fransisco beaches last week and here is our tribute to our boys!

our trees

On the twins due date, Chris and I broke out the shovels and planted 2 peach trees and 2 rose bushes.  I think it was therapeutic in a way.  I put a circle around one of the trees, the idea is that eventually when we walk down to the pond we will be walking in a canopy of trees. To the right is the garden that we will eventually plant and that would keep the peach trees near it.

 

You can see them better in this picture!  They are little trees, but then so were our babies.

this blogs 1 year anny

Wow, has it really been only a year since I have started these ramblings?  Seems like so long ago and yet only a millisecond at the same time.  There has been a lot of heartache since the start of this blog.  It has not been the fun journey so far.  From infertility testing to finally getting pregnant for those few blissful months to losing those precious babies and dealing with the grief that comes with it.  Thank you all for sticking with me.  Thank you for those of you who have cried with me, loved our sons with us and said prayers for us.  My hopes are that in a year from now I can look back at this dark place that we have been stuck in and hopefully I will be seeing some light. 

Thanks for sticking with me and listening.  I think everyone wants to know that someone is listening and that they care.