I want to thank all those who commented yesterday. You make me feel not so alone and yet breaks my heart that some of you have gone through this too. I don't want to be alone through this, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Why is life so hard?
I didn't want everyone to think that those thoughts and emotions are ruling my whole life. Yesterday was a bad day that was very stressful. We were supposed to close on our house and because the water test was not back my husband felt we should wait. I am not a patient person and then once that disappointment hit, it magnified throughout the rest of the day. Good news though, one of the water test came back good, don't know the exact numbers yet but we are planing on closing on the house on Friday...pending these results are satisfactory and safe for drinking.
Today was a better day, the sun was shining even if I enjoyed it only from the view from my desk.
Today, I still remember my babies and I am sort of ok.
PS: Krista, I might take you up on that rooftop offer one of these days.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
sad and depressed..maybe still a bit angry
My words are like my tears once they get started they might never stop.
This week I would have been 30 weeks pregnant. I would have named our little boys and I would have posted a HUGE belly pic for all to see. I would have had a baby shower and we would have finished all our child-birthing classes. I would be as big as a cow and LOVING it! I wouldn't care about stretch marks or how fat my face was...I would be 30 weeks with 2 boys on the way into my arms. I would be complaining about how uncomfortable I was, but at the same time loving every kick into my bladder/kidney/rib...what are those other places everyone complains about???....I don't know because I only got to feel a few flutters, before their heart beats stop beating. I would be getting so big that people would stare, that Chris would have to help me stand up. Or I might be on bedrest and I would have not complained because they would still be growing. January 9th would mean nothing to me. It would not be the day they were born, but just another wonderful Saturday.
Instead, I am here. Empty arms. Empty uterus. I am just here. I am keeping my days so full with work that I get home exhausted, zone out in front of the tv and then fall into bed praying for a dreamless sleep. Last night, as I cuddled with Chris before falling asleep I began thinking about how instead of carrying my twins into our new home in my belly they will be carried into the house in their tiny urns. The day we picked them up from the funeral home I placed them in our living room where they are close to me. Soon, we will be leaving the one house that our whole family lived in...even if it was only for a short 19 weeks, those were some of the happiest time of my life.
It is not getting easier, it is just sinking into my soul and making a home within me. I am changed. I am different. I handle stress differently. I am as my mother put it "fragile". When the tears start there is no way to stop them, they roll down my face faster than a tissue can dry them up. Even disappointments that have nothing to do with our babies are magnified. The smallest things can make me cry and then I can't stop because then I feel the pain...deep soulful pain.
I don't feel like a mother even though I have two beautiful faces in pictures to prove it and it seems that everywhere I go and in different conversations it is pointed out more and more that I am not a mother. That I don't "know" what it is like to be in that club. That until I have my own living child that I will not "know" what it is like. Well, let me tell you all. Until, you lose a child you don't know what pain is...until you TRY for months and month and can't conceive you don't KNOW what truly WANTING a child is like.
Guess what I do "know"? I will appreciate my child more, love my child more and I will know that because I have lost two babies and I know what is is like to lose them and until you experience it, and I hope you never have to.....you will never know.
I don't want to hear that "one day it will happen", it did happen for me and then it was taken away. I hate hearing "God has a plan". I know that, do you think I am stupid? Don't you think that I have already realized that...don't you think someone else or say 50 others have already said that to me?
I know it is a depressing topic, and that most people just want to say they are sorry and forget about it and I wish it was that easy for me, but its not. They were my babies, my tiny palm sized precious prayed for babies. If you have to say something, just say you've been thinking of them, of us. That all I need. To know that they are remember, and maybe even loved by a few.
This week I would have been 30 weeks pregnant. I would have named our little boys and I would have posted a HUGE belly pic for all to see. I would have had a baby shower and we would have finished all our child-birthing classes. I would be as big as a cow and LOVING it! I wouldn't care about stretch marks or how fat my face was...I would be 30 weeks with 2 boys on the way into my arms. I would be complaining about how uncomfortable I was, but at the same time loving every kick into my bladder/kidney/rib...what are those other places everyone complains about???....I don't know because I only got to feel a few flutters, before their heart beats stop beating. I would be getting so big that people would stare, that Chris would have to help me stand up. Or I might be on bedrest and I would have not complained because they would still be growing. January 9th would mean nothing to me. It would not be the day they were born, but just another wonderful Saturday.
Instead, I am here. Empty arms. Empty uterus. I am just here. I am keeping my days so full with work that I get home exhausted, zone out in front of the tv and then fall into bed praying for a dreamless sleep. Last night, as I cuddled with Chris before falling asleep I began thinking about how instead of carrying my twins into our new home in my belly they will be carried into the house in their tiny urns. The day we picked them up from the funeral home I placed them in our living room where they are close to me. Soon, we will be leaving the one house that our whole family lived in...even if it was only for a short 19 weeks, those were some of the happiest time of my life.
It is not getting easier, it is just sinking into my soul and making a home within me. I am changed. I am different. I handle stress differently. I am as my mother put it "fragile". When the tears start there is no way to stop them, they roll down my face faster than a tissue can dry them up. Even disappointments that have nothing to do with our babies are magnified. The smallest things can make me cry and then I can't stop because then I feel the pain...deep soulful pain.
I don't feel like a mother even though I have two beautiful faces in pictures to prove it and it seems that everywhere I go and in different conversations it is pointed out more and more that I am not a mother. That I don't "know" what it is like to be in that club. That until I have my own living child that I will not "know" what it is like. Well, let me tell you all. Until, you lose a child you don't know what pain is...until you TRY for months and month and can't conceive you don't KNOW what truly WANTING a child is like.
Guess what I do "know"? I will appreciate my child more, love my child more and I will know that because I have lost two babies and I know what is is like to lose them and until you experience it, and I hope you never have to.....you will never know.
I don't want to hear that "one day it will happen", it did happen for me and then it was taken away. I hate hearing "God has a plan". I know that, do you think I am stupid? Don't you think that I have already realized that...don't you think someone else or say 50 others have already said that to me?
I know it is a depressing topic, and that most people just want to say they are sorry and forget about it and I wish it was that easy for me, but its not. They were my babies, my tiny palm sized precious prayed for babies. If you have to say something, just say you've been thinking of them, of us. That all I need. To know that they are remember, and maybe even loved by a few.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
quote
I was reading a book the other day and these words stood out to me.
"The greatest beauty was watered by tears."
This is so true as I look back upon my life:
my wedding day, to name one
my two babies, to be number two
What beauty in your life has been watered by tears?
"The greatest beauty was watered by tears."
This is so true as I look back upon my life:
my wedding day, to name one
my two babies, to be number two
What beauty in your life has been watered by tears?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
B/W results take 2
So, I get ANOTHER call from the Dr office and now they are recomenting me to a specialist. They have all agreed (the 3 different doctors that have looked at the b/w results) that it had nothing to do with the miscarriage. BTW: it didn't FEEL like a misscarriage and I hate using that word. So, I guess I will go to this specialist to have a consult. But we do know it is not cancer or lupus. I just have something else going on and it may not mean anything now, but it would be good to know for later.
I do want to say thank you to all my loyal readers and friends out there, I have been SWAMPED with work and now with buying the house I am focusing on moving forward in other areas of life. But please don't leave me yet! So I might not be posting as much as I regularly would, but I will be back to normal one day. It just seems right now my body is out of words and I think I am in denial that I ever carried 2 precious babies inside of me. I am liking being in denial, it doesn't hurt as much and I feel somewhat more like myself.
I do want to say thank you to all my loyal readers and friends out there, I have been SWAMPED with work and now with buying the house I am focusing on moving forward in other areas of life. But please don't leave me yet! So I might not be posting as much as I regularly would, but I will be back to normal one day. It just seems right now my body is out of words and I think I am in denial that I ever carried 2 precious babies inside of me. I am liking being in denial, it doesn't hurt as much and I feel somewhat more like myself.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
B/W results
One of the nurses called me back and everything is normal. My Dr. even got another blood specialist to look at my blood-work and they said it was fine. This is an answer to our prayers.
Friday, February 26, 2010
house
This week has been CRAZY busy, but I just faxed the offer to our agent!!!
It looks kinda plain in this picture, but it has so many of the must haves on our list; including almost 8 acres of land.....stay tuned hopefully we will have a contract on a house this weekend!!! Hope over to my other blog if you want to see some more pictures of the inside.
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