CD1

here we go again. Thankfully, AF came and I didn't have to stress about what else might be wrong with my body. CD31 is normal for me to start on. I have scheduled my HSG for Thursday the 16th at 2pm. I will not be going back into work after it, too stressful.

Chris and I had a wonderful conversation last night. He was super sweet about how much the HSG is going to cost us. He said "what ever we need to do, we will do and make it work" This is what he said when we bought our house and it worked out. He is such a great husband! He also was asking what our next steps are, it makes me feel so good that he is participating in this instead of me just doing what I think, I guess this is what they call marriage, A GREAT MARRIAGE! He broke my heart when he said that he felt like all this was his fault. I was shocked he felt this way b/c his tests came back with amazing numbers and so really it is my testing that will show if something wrong. Anyway, we decided not to worry or think about this until after the HSG. Hopefully, it will show a blocked tube that they can unblock and we will know that was the answer to our problem.

As for our next steps:

1. If HSG shows blocked tube we have an answer
2. If HSG is clear then we will see about getting an apointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and see what they have to say.

What I've realized in the past few days is that I am begining to greive the loss of the fun and excitement of trying to concieve a child. I thought this was going to be an exprience that my husband and I would share and look back with fond thought. I thought we would be able to make love and make it happen. It saddens me to think that my baby may come into this world in a unnatural more medical way.

CD31, 14dpo BFN

POAS=BFN, Temps dropped drastically, I am almost to my normal menstral temp.
Chart for what it is worth...not much Time to start looking forward, again. Next up, Hysterosalpingogram(HSG). I spent 20 minutes on the phone with BCBS trying to find out how much they charged and they told me nada, Grrrr!!!!! She said I could call my DR office and ask or use their cost estimator on the website. Well, the HSG test wasn't on the cost estimator and my DR office doesn't do them in the office anymore, so I had to call Women's Hospital and they said about $550. AHHH that is so expensive. Will have to talk to Chris and see what he thinks before I schedule it...Oh wait I cant schedule it b/c AF is MIA!!!! What the *@#&?!!!! For those who don't know what an HSG is and so I hopefully look back and remember fondly: (click here for original article: this is a shortened version)

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).

During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall. See a picture of a hysterosalpingogram.

This test should be done 2 to 5 days after your menstrual period has ended to be sure you are not pregnant. It should also be done before you ovulate the next month (unless you are using contraception) to avoid using X-rays during an early pregnancy. You may want to bring along a sanitary napkin to wear after the test because some leakage of the X-ray dye may occur along with slight bleeding.

shout out to my girl, christie

Christie,
Thank you for calling today. You have been so supportive and you are a really special lady. I am so glad you are in my life and that we are friends, best friends. Thank you for listening and for all your prayers, keep them coming. Sometimes life gets hectic and crazy, but I wanted you to know that you are very important to me and I believe that God knew we needed each other. You took the time to get threw my barriers and understand me for who I am, and for that I thank you. I could not go through this journey with out you and I am so excited about being a part of your next stage in life. Your baby is going to be loved by the Holmes'! I love you girl!
j

CD30, 13dpo

So no Aunt Flow as of yet, no real cramping either AND my temp spiked this morning. I don't know what to think. I mentally could not take a test and be depressed today so I am waiting for Aunt Flow to show her ugly head. This better not be an anovulatory cycle again, I can't handle that.

"By definition, an anovulatory cycle is a menstrual cycle in which ovulation fails to occur. This means that you do bleed but do not release an egg or ovulate. Hence the term anovulation. This is normally supposed to happen during menopause. If it does happen before then anovulation translates into difficulty in conception or infertility. Anovulatory cycles tend to occur occasionally throughout the childbearing years, but are most common during adolescence and in the years before menopause (”perimenopause”)." from: http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/anovulation.html

Here is my chart: WTF?

12dpo BFN (BIG FAT NEG)

Negative, my period is due tomorrow and my temps are dropping, I am not holding out much hope for this cycle. I cried in Chris's arms this morning, he was so sweet and tried to encourage me, but nothing changes the fact that we are not pregnant. I could tell he was disappointed too, but didn't want to make me more upset.
my chart:


We were at my sister-in-law's house this morning when I took the test and then we had to drive 6 hours home, unfortunately I had to drive alone (Chris got a new van for the company and had to drive it). But this left me to my thoughts, most of the way I was ok...just frustrated with the other holiday drivers that were hanging out in the left lane, but then my thoughts kept circling back to our big negative and every once and a while my eyes would tear up. I am so sad, just depressed, I don't understand why this is happening to us. All I've wanted to be, since my cousin Julie was born, is a mommy. I've been waiting 18 years to get to this point. My husband is ready to be a daddy.

God, please help me understand why I need to go through this...Chris would be such a good daddy, and I feel as if my arms are empty. I am so thankful that you designed the perfect husband for me and you know how happy we are together, but I hate this sadness that has come over me and I don't know how to make it go away. I try and distract myself, but it is only a superficial cover and quicky I re-remember. Please don't let this affect my marriage, Chris is to precious to me, help him understand my feelings. Why do I have to have dreams of peeing on a test and getting a positive, why did this have to happen TODAY? That is so hard to wake up and realize it was just a dream. And then to test and for it to be negative so quickly. God, I know you love my future baby but please send her/him down to me, I want to love on them for a while. If you have to keep them longer please help me understand and take away this desire for a child. I feel that you gave me this desire and that it has always been a part of me, so please just help me understand....please.

POAS this morning....

and it was a dud! The test didn't even show the control line :( I didn't have any more pee to test again. Oh well, guess God is helping me learn patience.

Here is an interesting new product for the geek in all of us:
from http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/pteq.html

"One line or two. Yes or no. Pregnancy tests are binary by their very nature. So when we found p-Teq's USB Pregnancy Test Kit that's chock full of extra scientific information, we knew we had to get this geeky goodness to our potentially spawning fans.

The process starts off like most pregnancy tests. You pee on a stick, specifically the absorbent test strip at one end. But everything's different after that first step. Remove the cap from the other end of the stick (cleverly provided to keep you from accidentally contaminating the wrong end) to reveal the USB connector. Pop it in your computer. The power from your USB port starts the electrospray ionization process, creating a spectrograph of the various masses for your analysis. Get it? Your analysis? Urinalysis? *rimshot* Moving on.

You don't actually get to see the spectrograph yourself. The mass analysis happens inside the device. And p-Teq's device only analyzes for specific chemical makeups, so you don't have to worry about this thing busting you for that "poppy seed bagel" you had yesterday. The mass spectrometry software on the device comes with several sequenced hormones, including hCG (human Chorionic Gonadotropin), hCG-H (hyperglycosylated hCG - for detection before your first missed period), and LH (luteinizing hormone - for detection of your most fertile days). We like the fact that it does all three. After all, if you're not pregnant and you wanna be, you need to know if now's the time to be gettin' it on.

While most home tests can detect a level of 15-50 mIU/mL of hCG, the enhanced methodology of the USB Pregnancy Test Kit can detect 5-50 mIU/mL, and will show you the exact concentration via its friendly onscreen interface. In addition, the LCD display on the device itself will light up and show you the symbol of a baby, no baby, or multiples and your Estimated Delivery Date based on the concentration of hCG, hCG-H, and LH in your urine. So you can clear your calendar in advance.

After you're done reviewing your test results, just pop the device out of your computer and change the test strip. The display will remain lit for five minutes and then automatically power off. Note: We recommend the use of horizontal USB drives for this product to prevent accidental moisture transference.

• No batteries required - draws power from USB
• USB 2.0 compatible
• Plug and play, easy operation
• Operating Systems: Win 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, Linux 2.4 or higher, Mac OS 8.6 or higher
• 20 test strips included
• 99% accuracy*

* 99% accurate in detecting hCG, hCG-H and LH. However, these hormones do not necessarily indicate pregnancy or ovulation, respectively. Extenuating circumstances can affect levels of these hormones in your body."

UPDATE: USB POAS is not real, I didn't realize it when I posted this LOL, the dumb blond in me was taken again!

8dpo and 5 days before missed period

::patting myself on the back for not POAS this morning!

Well, tomorrow starts the end to my 2 week wait. I am going to POAS in the morning and if it is neg, which it will be because it is WAY to early, I am going to have a talk with Chris and see if he wants me to bring some sticks on our trip. If not then we will be waiting till Monday, which is when Aunt Flow is suppose to make her appearance but I am praying she will hold off 9 months or so!

I've included my chart my temp spiked today! Getting my hopes up even further!!! But it may have only spiked because I wasn't sleeping good because I was wanting to get to temp taking time...ahhh please let this be over soon!

On a more positive note: Anna's c-section is scheduled for tomorrow so hopefully her hormones will rub off on me and her baby in my arms will be a peek into the future! Can't wait to kiss Sophie's little head, she is going to be so pretty!!