Nov. 2

Today was like a normal Tuesday/Thursday with our little visitor Charlie.  He is a sweet boy and watching him on a Friday threw me off on my days.  After, he left Owen and I played with Daddy for a long time.  Tickles. Running. Throwing the big green ball.  All of it fun and full of giggles!

Daddy had to go play a show so Owen and I ended his day at the Shan house playing and eating amazing pot roast!!

But. This all brings me to this this moment that I NEVER want to forget.  It was 11:30 I was watching TV and about to head to bed.  Well, my little boy started fussing and I noticed that the monitor said 67 in  his room.  Well, usually it says high 70's.  (it is off by a couple degrees on the high side).  Anyway, I knew he was cold.  I was walking back to his room about the time when he broke down and was really crying out in his sleep for me.

I picked up my boy and could feel his cold skin.  I changed his diaper.  He stretched his little legs straight out and if he had been awake it would have been our game "stretch your bones". I softly said it to him and as he laid there with his eyes closed and MeMe clutched closely, a smile formed on his mouth.  Quickly, as only mother of a 20 month old could do, I finished the late night diaper change and cuddled my boy into my arms, his head on my left shoulder.

We sat in the rocking chair that was given to Chris's parents as a wedding gift and given to us for our son's nursery.  I rocked my boy. This is nothing new from this season.  The summer of "rock, mama" that turned to fall "rock me mommy".  My precious boy put his head on my shoulder and we rocked.  It could have been a minute it could have been twenty, but I don't know because I was soaking it in and thanking the Lord for this healthy child in my arms.  So, I tucked his feet up into my lap and reached up under his shirt to rub his back.  His chilly skin was warmed by my hand and then his MeMe fell to the floor.  Just Owen and Mommy rocking in the rocking chair alone.  For once, I was enough for him.

A couple of minutes passed and I felt a little hand stir.  That hand patted my arm, patted all around when a little voice said so quiet. "MeMe".  A smile formed on my face...I can't help it.  MeMe makes him so happy that I don't care that it is the silliest lovey out there.  The fact is Owen loves MeMe so I love MeMe.  It is part of my mommy job to make sure MeMe is found not lost.

During the day, Owen's face will light up when I tell him where MeMe is!  I will do just about anything to make that boy happy.

I picked MeMe off the floor and handed it to my precious baby.  I held him another minute inhaling his scent and sending one last prayer thanking God for my baby and praying for another.

I laid Owen in his crib, covered him up with a blanket and made sure MeMe was in place in his arms.  I brushed his hair out of his eyes and told him I loved him and left my heart in the room as I left.  Yes, I can see he has turned on his side in the crib and is fast asleep.  The temperature is nice and warm in his room now.

30 minutes later I am writing all the details so that I will never forget another amazing moment with my son. Good night world.  Good night Nov. 2nd. Thank you Jesus for another wonderful day.

a friday night

Well, I guess you could say we are preparing for our IVF tonight.  First, Chris has a show tonight to make some extra cash and I did some sewing for my sister-in-law.  I made 12 girly burp clothes for her to sell at the christmas show!  Hey, every little bit helps!  So, now I am sitting down for the first time today and enjoying a glass of toasted head my new fav!  I am working on relaxing!  Sunday morning I am watching a friends little girl too!

I did call the RE today and spoke with a nurse.  So I think I need to call my local YMCA and suspend my membership for a few months.  The only approved exercise is walking 20 mins a day.  Not the 2 miles I have been running!  Also, they said my spotting was normal and thankfully shouldn't affect my cycle.  We are still a go for the 15th....13 days and counting down.  I think my palms are sweating.

Nov. 1

Happy National Blog Posting Month! Better known as NaBloPoMo. Ok, I am not going to say this is going to work, but hey it might give me the kick in the butt I need to blog a little more!

Owen and I went through a rough patch and somehow came out the other side. I have found if I don't force him to try or eat foods he doesn't want then his behavior the rest of the day is better.  I thought the "terrible twos" were on their way, but instead Owen has learned his "no-no's" and as long as Chris and I are consistent with our reprimanding Owen seems to be doing fine.  Sure he tests his boundaries, but I can't tell you how many times everyone told me pick a system and be consistent.  I think we went several weeks without a hand pop or time out; for a 20 month old I find that amazing.

As for the other fun times we spend together we are having fun at playdates with friends, parks, snuggling and watching some TV and reading books!!  

IPhone Picture dump:

walking in mommy's shoes

pushing MeMe in the stroller

"BearBear, I pee pee"

a sucker and a cookie after halloween= Happy Boy!

Our Little Fireman

How ya doing? Nice to see ya!

mini random updates

• 15 days till our class!  Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks!  I am sure they will go quickly and slow at the same time.  Yikes! I am so ready and so scared at the same time.  I have a 60% chance of being PG before christmas!
• Today, I am spotting.  UGH! The RE said this is normal on the BCPs, but would be nice to have a break from crazy bodily functions and to not have to over think things.  Now, I am all worried it will mess up our IVF cycle.
• In other good news, hubby and had a good talk last night about finances and we WILL make it work somehow.  I hadn't heard him say the words "we will make it happen" yet; and he did so that made me feel relieved.  I like when we are both on board.  
• We also discussed other ways of making money.  I am picking up some part time babysitting where ever possible and he is booking shows even if it might cut into our family holiday time. I spoke with one of my SIL and I am going to make some items for her xmas booth.
• I really need to work on items for my etsy store too and I have some stuff to consign.  

Background Nov 2011-2012

After the birth of our son we thought it wouldn't be easy to get pregnant again, but we didn't think it would be this hard.

I did five cycles of clomid ending the fifth with a chemical pregnancy.  I was pregnant for 6 days.  Those 6 days were full of worry and hope.  I was so excited that I ordered Owen a big brother t-shirt.  A shirt that he is now about to out grow and is the wrong season.

The 6th cycle of clomid we added in an IUI, but to no avail we were still not pregnant.  At this point we decided it was time to move to an RE instead of just our OBGYN.

At the RE's office he was very positive   I have been pregnant 3 times, so he felt "it was just a lets get a good ovulation and we will get you pregnant".  

After 3 months of monitoring, injections, blood work and heartache we ended up still not pregnant.  Chris and I headed back to the RE, we were and still are in disbelief that IVF is our next option.

I feel like we have now spent a year and so much money trying to get pregnant that it is time to keep moving forward, but it is SO much money.

At the RE's office he discussed doing an HSG to double check that my tubes were in fact open.  So, it was scheduled and preformed.  At the HSG my tubes were found to be open, but they thought I had a growth in the uterus possibly a polyp.  Another test was ordered this time a saline u/s that showed nothing.  This was a mixed blessing.  On one hand if there had been a polyp I would have had to have surgery to remove it, but it could have been the reason for not getting pregnant.  On the other hand, I didn't want to have surgery, but we are still confused to why we are not pregnant.

So that leaves you caught up to today.  I am on the schedule to start IVF Nov. 15th.  This is the class where we get our schedule, pay $10k to start and order meds.

I am scare out of my mind to spend this money and it not work.  How can I live my life without another perfect human being made of my husband and me on this earth? I look at my son and I know how wonderful another child would be. That I know I could do it and I know my dear son would love having siblings in his life like I have loved having them in mine.

one sweet evening

There are nights that you don't want to remember.  Like the time I told Owen he had to eat "one bite of banana, before he could having anything else".  The toddler won.  He didn't eat the bite and went to bed hungry...I caved an hour later when he woke up and gave him is favorite food yogurt and some milk.  I couldn't think of him being hungry all night.

But, then there are nights like tonight.  I am having a semi-normal evening putting my sweet boy to bed (semi b/c Chris is off at a local pub playing his guitar).  The past few months Owen has been enjoying us rocking and singing before bedtime.  Now days, he says "rock mama, sing!".  He even requests certain songs our "rock-E-by" or "stars"-twinkle twinkle.

So. Back to tonight.  I get Owen into his pj's and we are rocking, well he put his little chin on my shoulder and his cheek was right there so in the middle of singing I snuck in a kiss.  Well, that must have tickled him on his cheek and he liked it..."more, more-again mama"  and pushing his cheek into my face! It turned really quick into a really fun game; its not every day I can get those kind of giggles out of my boy.  So, even though it was bed time and time to calm down...I took advantage and my boy and I had the sweetest moment.  Or so I thought until.

I ate my dinner and all through it I am listening to Owen call for "ma-ma!" and then the sweetiest little "ma-ny"s.  So I wolfed down my left overs and even though Owen stopped calling for me I had to go in there and check on him.  

I walk in.  "ma-ny?"  Yes, baby its mommy. Come here. I love you.  I then sat down in the rocking chair holding my 19 month old baby and he turned his face towards my neck.  I haven't had his little breath on my neck for a long time.  I sat there soaking in the feeling of those warm little puffs of air on my neck.  After a bit he moved his head and it was over. But, I continued to rock him. Not sure how long, but long enough to feel his body relax into me.  The trust he has in me.  The love he has for me seeped into my bones.  

Now, I can see him on the baby monitor with his little bottom up in the air fast asleep.

I wish I could have a snap shot or a little movie of tonight.  

But I do have some from during the days.

Aunt Sara at mommy's bday dinner

snack time with monkey

"click, I can do it myself now!"

snuggles with Ma-my in the morning

Jumping on the trampoline at a bday party 

one cool kid

i see a bug

the monster of all bugs

conversations from the crib

Today on the monitor I heard quite a story:

Mama-I poo poo!  (fact)

Mama-A me-me! (his lovey blanket)

Bear Bear go night night. No! Noooo! NO!

Guitar-one, two, one, two, ooooone! Guitar!  (for those that may not remember he has 5 guitar's hanging over his crib as wall art

Mama-up! up! Mama!  Snack! Milk!  Up-Mama!

In between was a bunch of baby babble!

How I love this boy!

This picture is from earlier today.  He was helping me clean the carport.