amazing girlfriends

THANK YOU! 

I have the best girlfriends (and my 2 sisters are included in this list) in the world.  It has been so amazing watching God's timing.  He has put me on my girlfriend's hearts at different moments at just when I needed a friend.  What is so interesting is that there is about 7 ladies and each of them has picked a separate day to come over, meet up, call me or plan a visit.  These are my forever friends, forever in my heart, forever in my life even if it isn't every day that we can talk or see one another.  We always pick up where we left off and in times of need we are always here for one another.  These women have been so comforting to me during this time, just listening, understanding and of course giving me those much needed hugs.  Thank you to all my forever friends, you know who you are :)

Also, thank you to my new blogging friends.  You have survived similar situations, yearned for the same things as me and understand from a distance what I am going through even when words can not begin to explain.  Ashley, Krista, Kendra, Monica, Jenni, and Jackie.  Unfortunately, we are all bonded through these experiences, but it helps to know that we are not alone that others have gone before us and survived, survived successfully.

back to work

Please pray that my day is unstressfull as possible and for strength to get through this day.  I will never be "ready" to do anything, but just have to make myself. 

On a positive note, I weighed myself I am only 11lbs to my pre-pregnancy weight.  This number seems more acheivable to reach than the 15lbs after delivery.  Chris and everyone keep saying not to worry about my weight, and it isn't that I feel yucky. It is just that I want to get back into MY clothes and have my body back in shape before another pregancy.

really only 1 week?

How has it only been one week?  A week ago I was discharged from the hospital and sent home with empty arms.  How has it only been one week, seems like it was yesterday and yet too long ago that I held my boys in my arms.  As I am writing this my darling husband is practicing guitar for his show tonight.  This is one of his favorite pass times.  There is such a different sound coming from his guitar and matchless today.  Usually, I am hearing a favorite guitar solo's and rocking music many well known artists.  Today, is a mealody of sadness.  I don't think he even realizes how the guitar petal effects are making each note a note of sadness. 

Tonight, with my best friend by my side, I will venture out into the world of humans.  I will be attending his show tonight and be surrounded by happy people, people who want to have fun and laugh.  How I wish my heart was in it.  Then on Monday, I will be returning to work.  Why is it that all I want to do is grab my husband lock the doors, turn off our cells phones and snuggle on the couch. 

For 5 months, I had my smile back, I had "me" back...and now I feel so much more lost than ever before.  I know that I am so lucky that I have not lost many people in my life.  But I don't know how to grieve, people have been telling me there is no wrong way to  grieve. But, I don't know how to do this, how to get through each day, how to watch a commercial of a baby with out remembering that my babies are in heaven.  How to laugh at stupid jokes, how to stop thinking about all the dreams I had for these boys.  How, I didn't even get the chance to dream about them as boys, before they were taken from me.  I could write on forever....

Everyone keeps saying I am strong.  I don't feel strong. I feel weak, sad, and heartbroken that my babies are no longer growing inside me.  That I didn't get longer with them.   Yes, I am not breaking down in sobbing tears every hour anymore, but these tears are worse they catch me off gaurd and stream from my eyes before I can stop them.  I don't want to turn bitter, I just don't want this story to be our story. I had a different story in mind.  I don't understand God's plan and I know that I am not supposed to, but it SUCKS....it just plain stinks a big fat one. 

I never want to end a sad note, but that is the tune from the guitar and my heart strings right now.

update on the "why us"

Why did this happen to us?  Why did baby A develope to 18 week and baby B only 16?

From the initial analysis on Baby B they found a velamentous cord insertion and possibly a tightly hyper-spiraled cord (twisted cord, baby B may have done this to himself).  Both babies were perfectly developed other than Baby B's cord. 

Normally, the cord inserts into the middle of the placenta. In velamentous cord insertion, the umbilical cordWharton's jelly and hence are vulnerable to rupture. Rupture is especially likely if the vessels are near the cervix, in which case they may rupture in early labor (causing a stillbirth).

There is only a 1% chance for singletons,  but 15% of monochorionic twins will have this.  Monochorionic twins share a placenta, which ours did.

Basically, Baby B's cord was not properly attached and when he passed it interfered with the balance of blood flow to the placenta and baby A left us too. 

We are still waiting on other testing, but my Doctor and Nurses feel this is the why, we have been asking ourselves.  They feel that this type of thing is a fluke and we should not have to be worried about this happening again.  Also, there is some blood work and the chromosome testing that we are still waiting on.  The chromosome testing will take at least a month to get back.

It is so easy to look back and see the signs that were in my face.  I had felt both babies move, I know I did.  I think I only felt Baby B for a few days, then I began to complain to Chris that I didn't feel him anymore. I  know I felt Baby A for another week or so.  Several days before the ultrasounds a couple of times I mentioned to Chris I was worried something was wrong.  Then I began to have some apprehension about the ultrasound, even the night before my friend had to remind me about the ultrasound.  I must have said something or made a face and she asked what was going on and my response was "this is the big ultrasound where they find a lot of things that could be wrong with the babies".  But then we laughed and got excited about finding out the sexes of the babies.  Lastly, once the contractions started I realized how my belly used to be tight and in the past week it had begun to become more soft.  This was another really hard moment in the hospital.

We are doing our best to hold our heads up, and once again thank you to everyone for all the kind words.  Our journey isn't over yet...i keep repeating this to myself.  

our wonderful nurses

I have to have a whole post dedicated to our nurses at Woman's Hospital.

As we got checked in we meet a nurse, Liz, who is also a member of the local Junior League with me.  It was so comforting to have that initial connection with someone in the hospital.  It felt like I had a friend in the hospital from the start.  She already had another patient so she wasn't going to be our nurse, but said that our nurse was great, Sandra.

Sandra was with us from 9ish when we check in, till 5pm when her shift ended.  She was so good to us, making sure we knew where the drinks were and as comfortable as possible.  She had to go over a lot of hospital stuff and she made it simple and quick.  We mentioned to her that we didn't have maternity coverage and she said she would help us out by not starting the IV until right before the epidural.  She was a caring woman and very compassionate to our situation.  Sandra  had been with the hospital for a long time and quickly put all our concerns at ease (as much as was possible).  She was so good to answer all my questions, even when I repeated them several times as my brain was not working correctly.

Due to the lack of other activity on the floor Sandra was let go a little early at 5 and Liz, whom we had met that morning was with us till 7:30 pm.  Liz was super sweet again, and we could tell she wanted to do more, but that there just wasn't any more to do.  We did spent a good long time talking through what we would be going happening in the next few days and she was very patient with us.

Christine was our woman.  She was very kind and will always hold a special place in our hearts.  Christine realized I didn't have an egg crate on the bed and got me one really quick.  It really did make such a better experience in that hospital bed.  When I was hungry and was only allowed to drink clears, she was so willing to call my doctor and request a sandwich--even making sure it was a fresh sandwich from the cart.  Christine could tell I was in pain, but wasn't ready for the epidural so she suggested IV meds.  I didn't know IV meds was an option till that moment.  What a perfect suggestion those meds ended up being. They knocked me out and made me so comfortable.  I think that having those meds in my system made it easier and less stressful getting the epidural.  I don't think Christine or anyone else thought our boys' births would have been so quick to arrive, but I am so glad she was the one to help bring their bodies into this world.  She cried with us for our babies and tenderly lifting them to and from our room.  If we had had to chose whom to hand over our two boys to forever, it would have been her.  I can't thank her enough for her compassion and carring spirit through the hardest time of our life.

Lastly, at 7:30 am we had a new nurse, Jennifer.  It was hard to see Christine go as we were so connected with her.  But, Jennifer was wonderful in her own way.  I had to have help getting out of the bed after the epidural and she acomplished this with a quickness no nonsence attitude that I liked.  We still had to make some decisions about the babies and testing and of course there was paperwork to sign, but Jennifer had this undercontrol even though we felt like everything was spinning out of control.  But after everything was signed and I was released to leave, it was great to have Jennifer there to help us in the process of getting discharged quickly.  She pushed my chair out of the room, the only room I would ever hold by sons in and held my sholders as I cried.

I can't not say enough about the nursing staff at Woman's hospital.  They are some very strong women to have this as part of their job.  I can't thank them enough for making the hardest experience of my life somewhat easier.

Baby Boys Holmes Birth Story

I want to share with everyone and to keep a detailed record so that I never forget a single detail. (Please remember I am NOT a writer)

After the ultrasound on Thursday, Chris and I returned home with broken hearts.  We began the process of realizing our dreams for these twins were in fact going to just stay dreams.  We clung to one another, cried, and packed our bag for the hospital admission on Friday.

Friday, we had a doctor appointment with Dr. Lavoie at our OB's office.  The staff was so nice ushering us quickly back to the back and I had a quick exam with Dr. Lavoie.  We found out that my body was naturally realizing what was happening and was dilated 1 cm.  Dr Lavoie informed us that it could be early Saturday morning or as late at Monday sometime for the babies to make their arrival. We began praying for a quick and painless birth. From the office, we went directly to Women's Hospital where I can say the staff was exceptionally wonderful and caring, I have to give them their own blog entry they were so amazing.

Walking into the hospital was very difficult; tears were streaming down my face as I began to realize I would not be walking out with our babies.  We were almost immediately settled into our private room and met our sweet nurse. Soon after, I was given my first round of drugs to induce labor.  After about an hour, I began to feel mild cramps, very similar to menstrual cramps.  They said these were contractions, except mine were a constant pain and did not come in waves like I thought they would.  My sister Sara brought us lunch and we hung out till my mom and other sister Robyn showed up. They helped the day go by faster. My Dad arrived and it was dinner time so they all left with a promise to bring Chris back some food. Later, our pastor and his wife stopped by to pray with us at the end of the day. It was nice to forget why we were there and just chat for a bit and then they said a sweet prayer for my health and our babies.  

It was about 9:30 pm, when the cramping had become uncomfortable and I was nervous to have the second round of drugs without any pain medication. So, we spoke with our nurse about our options. The pain and exhaustion were overwhelming me and I was unable to make a decision between getting the epidural or the IV medication. Thankfully, I have a rock for a husband and he was able to make the decision to start the IV meds. These were great and gave us a moment of comic relieve when the drugs hit my system and I laid back and said "this was a real good idea". Then I received the second round of inducing medication. The IV meds made me very droopy and sleepy so Chris took a sleeping pill and we were ready to settle in for the night, thinking we needed to get a good nights sleep.

About 3 hours later, I woke up because my lower back was really sore and the cramping was bothering me again thru the IV meds. It was too soon for another dosage and I decided I was ready for the epidural.  The IV meds were still in my system and I feel helped with the stress and fear of getting the epidural. Within the hour we were settled back down to try and sleep again.  I think I was able to get a few more hours of sleep when I awoke uncomfortable again.  My nurse had mentioned that I could have a medication for itchiness if needed, so I called her to talk about that and the fact that I was uncomfortable. 

She decided to check to see how far along we were; she could feel the first sac with Baby A.  Immediately, my water broke and our tiny baby A was born at 4:30am.  I could not look, I didn't want to become overwhelmed emotionally, but Chris standing at my side kept telling me how beautiful our baby was and how perfect.  Dr. Lavoie was called and was there within 15 minutes.  She checked me and we found out baby b was descending.  After a few timed pushes at 5:03 am baby B was born even smaller than his older brother, but just as perfect and beautiful. 

One of the major concerns Dr. Lavoie had about the whole delivery was delivering the placenta. She didn't want me to have to go into surgery to remove it, it would be better for my body if I could do it naturally. Thankfully, this was not the case as I was able to deliver the placenta without much assistance.  Chris was so wonderful the whole time, stroking my head, telling me how great I was doing...how beautiful our babies were...how much he loved me. In this unfortunate situation, I feel that our babies entered this world the best way possible. They arrived into a room loved by their parents and surrounded by the most compassionate nurses and dr.

After the babies were cleaned up the nurses brought them to us, wrapped in blankets and we were able to spend about an hour with them.  We prayed for them, sung them songs, and told them all the things we had wanted to do for them and with them. We held them and in soft voices whispered to them that we were proud of them, that we loved them and we would see them one day in heaven.  It was a special time for our little family of 4.  It was difficult to give them back, knowing we would never see them again, but it had to happen at some point and my handsome husband with tears in his eyes handed his baby boys to the nurse to take away. Thus breaking my heart completely.

The rest of our hospital stay was a bit of a blur. I ate breakfast, my family arrived with Chris's breakfast, and we proceeded to tell this story for the first time. After a nap, I was told we could stay as long as we wanted or we could be discharged anytime. Chris and I wanted get home and shower and figure out how to survive this. We are still working on surviving this.

Again I cannot express how much everyone's words and prayers have meant to us. We are so overwhelmed with love from all our family, IRL friends and this blogging/thebump community. Thank you, THANK YOU and THANK YOU AGAIN!!!

back at home

First of all I have to say that all the prayers everyone has been sending our way have been answered.  Thank you to every single person from the bottom of our hearts for all the prayers.  We both felt so surrounded by your love and support.  Chris and I keep saying that this was the easiest hardest day of our life so far.  Does that even make sense? 

I am working on writing our birth story for our own record and to share with our ever growing network of family and friends.   This is turning out to be the hardest thing I have ever written.  But, I did want to update everyone that our identical twin boys were born at 4:30 and 5:03 am on January 9th, 2010.  They were very loved.

I am overwhelmed by each and every comment.  They are each so special to me and I will be returning again and again when I need your support and reread your sweet words.

When we arrived home yesterday the driveway was filled with cars.  My parents and sisters were here, along with Chris's two brother and his parents.  Walking in the house we were again overwhelmed by the love our family gives so freely.  Our family had gone grocery shopping for us, down to the lint roller I had put on my grocery list weeks ago, they had move the piles of baby stuff that I had begun collecting in our downstairs guest room including our 2 cribs that had never been put together,  and they were even scrubbing our kitchen floor!

Here is the banner that Gary's girls made for us (Chris's brother has 4 beautiful girls, whom we love).  They thought this up on there own to do a banner for us, such sweetness in these young hearts.