How has it only been one week? A week ago I was discharged from the hospital and sent home with empty arms. How has it only been one week, seems like it was yesterday and yet too long ago that I held my boys in my arms. As I am writing this my darling husband is practicing guitar for his show tonight. This is one of his favorite pass times. There is such a different sound coming from his guitar and matchless today. Usually, I am hearing a favorite guitar solo's and rocking music many well known artists. Today, is a mealody of sadness. I don't think he even realizes how the guitar petal effects are making each note a note of sadness.
Tonight, with my best friend by my side, I will venture out into the world of humans. I will be attending his show tonight and be surrounded by happy people, people who want to have fun and laugh. How I wish my heart was in it. Then on Monday, I will be returning to work. Why is it that all I want to do is grab my husband lock the doors, turn off our cells phones and snuggle on the couch.
For 5 months, I had my smile back, I had "me" back...and now I feel so much more lost than ever before. I know that I am so lucky that I have not lost many people in my life. But I don't know how to grieve, people have been telling me there is no wrong way to grieve. But, I don't know how to do this, how to get through each day, how to watch a commercial of a baby with out remembering that my babies are in heaven. How to laugh at stupid jokes, how to stop thinking about all the dreams I had for these boys. How, I didn't even get the chance to dream about them as boys, before they were taken from me. I could write on forever....
Everyone keeps saying I am strong. I don't feel strong. I feel weak, sad, and heartbroken that my babies are no longer growing inside me. That I didn't get longer with them. Yes, I am not breaking down in sobbing tears every hour anymore, but these tears are worse they catch me off gaurd and stream from my eyes before I can stop them. I don't want to turn bitter, I just don't want this story to be our story. I had a different story in mind. I don't understand God's plan and I know that I am not supposed to, but it SUCKS....it just plain stinks a big fat one.
I never want to end a sad note, but that is the tune from the guitar and my heart strings right now.
Wedding Wrecks, Fangirl Edition
6 days ago
I am so sorry for your loss and can so relate with you. I lost my sweet daughter at 21 weeks due to cord death. We struggled with infertility for 3 years, went through a failed IVF before getting pregnant. This was our miracle baby and she was taken from us. It doesn't make sense. It's been 5 years and I still have a hard time some days. It does get better, but it takes time. You will never get over it, just through it. There will be times when you think you will be ok. and then times where it will hit you in the oddest of places. It's ok to be sad and to even question God. I did that so many times, but I know He knows our pain. Please know I am praying for you. Krista Lord www.kristalord.com
ReplyDelete*Hugs* lovely lady...
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you in my prayers, you and your hubby!
I hope tonight goes alright :)
Thinking of you!
I know your pain. I, too, lost a baby in June 2007. God had already blessed us with 1 healthy baby and has since blessed us with another. However, even knowing that I have no trouble concieving, I grieved heavily for my lost child. It was summer and I don;t work in the summer. I was blessed to take a 10 day trip to the beach and used the rest of the time at home. I needed that time off work. My sis in law lost a baby a few after me. She took a month off work. Our grief was hard. We have both had healthy babies since, but we both still speak of those babies. They were our children, too. So many people try to disregard that fact. We have lost children adn that hurts forever. The great news is that this life is but a moment compared to the eternity we will spend with our babies. I pray for your healing and for a quick (miracle even) conception when you decide the time is right. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteYour mom forwarded the link to your blog. As one of her horse buddies, we ache when she aches... and reading your entry here brought back memories of my first pregnancy (at the ripe old age of 39...) that ended in miscarriage... 6 months after my father died. How angry I was at the universe... I just could not see the purpose in this megadose of pain and loss. It took 4 years for the next pregnancy. Wow. It's an hour-by-hour time... is all I can offer. Looking for logic, I learned, was NOT fruitful. Looking for small moments of caring and love... far more rewarding. Prayers and hugs to all.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any words, but I am praying.
ReplyDeleteJeanna - there are so many stages of grief that you will go through. I just wish i was there to help you get through each one. I hope you have some fun tonight and can get away from it for a few hours. Thinking of you often...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you still...
ReplyDeleteAnd when you feel up to it, can you email me at kimarino 13 @ gmail . com? I wanted to run something by you...
My favourite verse is Romans 8:26 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good, to those who are called according to His purpose. I've clung to this through some rough times, and God really has done amazing things.
ReplyDeleteYour story so far, as I read it, tells of wonderful family and friends rallying around you, excellent and compassionate medical care, an amazing loving husband, and an honest, raw cry to God for help. It tells of God pouring out His love through people around you. For someone reading this blog, like me someone sitting on the other side of the world praying for you, this story is inspiring and a reminder of how faithful God is.
Hi Jeanna,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are having to go through this. When our baby was diagnosed with his birth defect and we thought he would die, I remember the emotions. For a month we thought it was over and the hopelessness was overwhelming. I can only imagine what you are going through. It must be 1,000 times worse and I wish you never had to experience this. If I can give any advice, it's to take your time to grieve. Really feel each stage and don't let others rush you to "get over it". You will always be a mom--an AWESOME mom. Try to talk about it every single day, even if it's painful, and keep the lines of communication open with Chris. It was hard for my R to talk about what was happening at the time. I think men just grieve differently. Sending big huge hugs your way and thinking of you every day.
Jeanna,
ReplyDeleteI go to Gary and Jennifer's church, and we have been praying for you and Chris. You have been on our minds so much, and our hearts ache for you. We will continue to pray. May the Lord sustain you.
thinking of you and your dear husband. i can say that one of the only good things to come out of our tragedy is the unsurpassed love and closeness my husband and i have found together. never stop communicating, even though you will both grieve very differently. my husband surprised me in the hospital by changing bedpans and those cloths under me...i never thought he would do things like that. i fell in love with my husband all over again after seeing the beautiful children we had together, and i still see their faces in his sometimes. i know you are heavily heartsick, and im thinking of you and sending hugs. another thing i can say is make sure you talk to your babies, this will help keep them close to you. i know your emptiness and it is so not fair. the only thing i can hope is that this experience will make us stronger, better mommies someday!
ReplyDelete