snowed in and loving it!

I know that there are a lot of people out there wanting to know we how we are doing.  We are having good days and bad days.  Some days are just plain harder than others.  Some days I am ok, I understand that this was God's will for my family.  That Chris did get his prayer answered for healthy babies.  It was just not the answer we thought it would be.  As I keep telling everyone, I don't have to like God's will for us and truthfully I don't like it one bit.  But it happened.  We don't have our babies still growing in me.  I realized that one day I might understand this.

But then other days I am an emotional mess, I can't help but think about all the things I would have done with our sons, the fun we would have had, the love I would have given them.  I picture my husband holding them and I feel like I might not make it another minute.  Basically, last week was a rough week.  It is hard being back to work and it is mentally exhausting. 

But today so far is a good day. Last night Chris and I watched a Harry Potter movie, we are way behind and are working our way through all the series.  At least I don't have to worry about the plots upsetting me!  Then we went to bed early (early for a weekend night) and slept till 10:30!  I needed that sleep.  This morning we slowing got out of bed enjoying that we have no schedule for the day.  We watched some TV and then decided to be responsible adults doing some filing of the mound of papers that seems to accumulate around the house and then we did some quick cleaning.  We even started doing our laundry which is usually reserved for Sundays.  I am quite proud of all we got accomplished before 3pm.  I've even pulled a turkey pie from the freezer for dinner (thanks Jennifer!). 

I just finished a good book, and Chris is playing guitar.  Sounds like today he is enjoying himself.  We are ok, not great, but certainly not bad.  We are learning to live without our sons.  Basically, we are living and as always loving each other. 

quick update

Chris and I went to the dr this morning for my post-op follow up.  My body is back to pre-pregnancy size except for the 8.5 pounds I need to lose around the middle.  But other than that everything looks good, I am healthy.  This is something to be thankful for.

Our Dr also said the likelihood of twins again is very rare and that the chances of this happening again are extremely rare.  So, she expects a healthy pregnancy the next time around.  Also, she said we can do an early ultrasound so that we can be reassured that there is just one baby, which will make us less stressed throughout the pregnancy.  I don't know if I will ever want to go into that room again.    

prayer shawl and a new friend

I received two gifts last Wednesday, a prayer shawl and a new friend.

This woman and I have known each other for over a year now and she reached out to me recently.  On Wednesday, we met for lunch.  It was enough just getting me out the office and to giving me something to look forward to.  I am looking forward to more lunch dates as we realized we both work downtown!  Over our lunch, we found out we had more in common than we thought and there was laughter and tears.  The prayer shawl is something that her church does.  These women sit around crocheting these shawls while praying for the future recipients.  Now, when I want to hold my boys I can wrap this around me and know that I am surrounded by prayers and love.  Don't you love the light blue for my baby boys?  I do.


(Imagine my husband acting like a monkey to get me to give a big smile for the camera!  I wish I had him on the camera instead of me!  Also, you can see another section of horrible wall paper from our rental house.)

another angel baby gone home

God has brought home another baby to heaven, please say a prayer for this family, as I personally know this is the darkest of the hours.  She is waiting to see if her body will miscarriage naturally or she will be going in for a D&C next week.  I can only imagine the waiting is going to be incredibly hard on her and her husband.  As always we have to remember that God's timing is perfect even when we can not understand a second of it. 

in remembrance

After leaving the hospital, Chris and I spent several days not emerging from our house.  We were clinging to one another and trying to figure out how to live without our sons.  The first thing I said on the day we found out was: "i need a project".  At the time, this meant something to keep my hands busy so that my mind wouldn't think about our loss the all time.  I am still trying to figure out what my big project will be.

But in the days following, their birth I found comfort in several smaller projects that I could do to remember my boys.  I needed some visible proof that they were here in this world. The first project was a memory box.  Chris and I headed to the craft store where I bought a simple white photo box.  I painted it a bright shade of light blue and then added fun pictures of baby boy things and a picture of the boys together from the 11 week ultrasound.  I shouldn't have been painting alone, I should have had more colors than light blue...I should have had two boys painting each other and some on the paper, I should have had pictures to hang on the fridge, I should have had finger paintings that were presents for Daddy, for when he got home from work.  But instead I have 19 weeks of memories and a box full of cards expressing love, prayers and best wishes....  

My next project was a photobook.  It is going to be so hard to look at it and yet so wonderful that whenever I want to see my boys' faces I can just open up this little book and see them.  I included: the positive pregnancy test, all my belly pics, their ultrasound pictures, some pictures of mommy and daddy enjoying them being inside me, pictures from the hospital after they were born of the 4 of us and then the most precious pictures of their perfect tiny faces.  It is a little book that tells their short story on earth.

My next project isn't complete yet, actually I am working on it as I am typing these words to you.  I am going to turn this blog into a book.  But as my husband reminds me, our story, our journey isn't over yet.  We WILL have a happy ending and that happen ending will be a new beginning, but these boys Abe and Benny will never be forgotten and they will always be loved and missed.

I know many people have asked and are wondering what our other plans are.  We had the boys cremated and our plans as of right now are to give my Dad some of the ashes to spread in Alabama at my families cemetery.  The rest we are thinking about taking to the beach and letting go.  My aunts' were so excited to have little fannys on the beach, unfortunately they will not be running and playing like we had planed, but at least I can take them to the beach one time and then let them go in one of the most happy places to me.  Then whenever I return there, I can feel a little closer to them.  I know that their souls are in heaven, on heavens beach and that they are in the most beautiful place that I couldn't even begin to imagine.  Also, in May, when they were due we are planing on planting two trees at both of our mothers' houses.  I told our mom's that the trees will be small, but so were our babies and that is almost fitting.

 

today was hard

there are no words, I want my babies, those babies, those little boys, my little sons.

I miss them and I didn't get to know them.

amazing girlfriends

THANK YOU! 

I have the best girlfriends (and my 2 sisters are included in this list) in the world.  It has been so amazing watching God's timing.  He has put me on my girlfriend's hearts at different moments at just when I needed a friend.  What is so interesting is that there is about 7 ladies and each of them has picked a separate day to come over, meet up, call me or plan a visit.  These are my forever friends, forever in my heart, forever in my life even if it isn't every day that we can talk or see one another.  We always pick up where we left off and in times of need we are always here for one another.  These women have been so comforting to me during this time, just listening, understanding and of course giving me those much needed hugs.  Thank you to all my forever friends, you know who you are :)

Also, thank you to my new blogging friends.  You have survived similar situations, yearned for the same things as me and understand from a distance what I am going through even when words can not begin to explain.  Ashley, Krista, Kendra, Monica, Jenni, and Jackie.  Unfortunately, we are all bonded through these experiences, but it helps to know that we are not alone that others have gone before us and survived, survived successfully.