in remembrance

After leaving the hospital, Chris and I spent several days not emerging from our house.  We were clinging to one another and trying to figure out how to live without our sons.  The first thing I said on the day we found out was: "i need a project".  At the time, this meant something to keep my hands busy so that my mind wouldn't think about our loss the all time.  I am still trying to figure out what my big project will be.

But in the days following, their birth I found comfort in several smaller projects that I could do to remember my boys.  I needed some visible proof that they were here in this world. The first project was a memory box.  Chris and I headed to the craft store where I bought a simple white photo box.  I painted it a bright shade of light blue and then added fun pictures of baby boy things and a picture of the boys together from the 11 week ultrasound.  I shouldn't have been painting alone, I should have had more colors than light blue...I should have had two boys painting each other and some on the paper, I should have had pictures to hang on the fridge, I should have had finger paintings that were presents for Daddy, for when he got home from work.  But instead I have 19 weeks of memories and a box full of cards expressing love, prayers and best wishes....  

My next project was a photobook.  It is going to be so hard to look at it and yet so wonderful that whenever I want to see my boys' faces I can just open up this little book and see them.  I included: the positive pregnancy test, all my belly pics, their ultrasound pictures, some pictures of mommy and daddy enjoying them being inside me, pictures from the hospital after they were born of the 4 of us and then the most precious pictures of their perfect tiny faces.  It is a little book that tells their short story on earth.

My next project isn't complete yet, actually I am working on it as I am typing these words to you.  I am going to turn this blog into a book.  But as my husband reminds me, our story, our journey isn't over yet.  We WILL have a happy ending and that happen ending will be a new beginning, but these boys Abe and Benny will never be forgotten and they will always be loved and missed.

I know many people have asked and are wondering what our other plans are.  We had the boys cremated and our plans as of right now are to give my Dad some of the ashes to spread in Alabama at my families cemetery.  The rest we are thinking about taking to the beach and letting go.  My aunts' were so excited to have little fannys on the beach, unfortunately they will not be running and playing like we had planed, but at least I can take them to the beach one time and then let them go in one of the most happy places to me.  Then whenever I return there, I can feel a little closer to them.  I know that their souls are in heaven, on heavens beach and that they are in the most beautiful place that I couldn't even begin to imagine.  Also, in May, when they were due we are planing on planting two trees at both of our mothers' houses.  I told our mom's that the trees will be small, but so were our babies and that is almost fitting.