finding a balance between life and death

For the past year, I have wondered about these few days.  Will I cry?  Will I be able to smile today?  How will I feel?  How can I/should I remember the birth and death of our twins and yet still be excited about this new life? 

These days have played over in my mind more than I can count:
January 7th, 2010: we found out they were gone.
January 8th, 2010:  I checked into the hospital, was induced and starting the labor process.
January 9th, 2010: my babies were born still, their birth and death day.  My goodbye before hello.


I feel that God was leading me to celebrate life. 

January 7th, 2011:  I slept in, had a prenatal massage, a Christmas present from my husband.  Then I came home and cooked meals to freeze in preparation for Owen's arrival.  Chris and I were invited to dinner with the woman that introduced us.  She is moving back to our area and it was a celebration to be together again.  I even got to tell the story about how we got together, it is a favorite!

January 8th, 2011:  Slept better than I have in a long time due to that AWESOME massage the day before.  We slept till 10:15 (which is now late to us!).  Then I threw on some clothes and headed to a girls lunch.  I have recently joined a group of moms and several of us are mom's to be and we decided to get together for lunch.  We sat and talked for over two and a half hours and had a wonderful time.

One woman, Meagan, lives on 3 acres and we connected about growing gardens (or how I want to do one next year) and also she is planning on cloth diapering!! 

The other woman, Ashley and I have a lot of the same life experiences.  First, she is also a Chi Omega from a different university.  Second, she delivered her twin boys last January at the SAME hospital as I did and unfortunately they didn't make it. She was further along and they lived for a while, but still I feel God put us together especially this weekend for a reason.  If only so that I could remember my boys with someone who TOTALLY gets it, who knows the pain. 

These two woman are both expecting little girls....hummmm future girlfriends perhaps...though Camryn might have first dibs! 

So then it was time to leave and I felt happy.  I had laughed and talked and just had a good time with these women.   I headed home to my husband.  We decided that we would use our coupon and go eat cheap mexican food.  It was sooooo yummy!!  Even though it was FREEZING outside and we thought we were a bit crazy for venturing out we decided to make one more stop.  Off to Target, we had received a duplicate gift and had some gift cards.  We timed it perfectly has they had just marked a bunch of baby items on clearance!!  We were able to purchase the infant carseat, stroller, car seat protective cover and bottle drying rack and not spend any money! 

I was almost giggly giddy, knowing that the last of the BIG items are in our possession.  I guess I didn't realize how much I was thinking about these items.  I feel so blessed by the giving and support from our family and friends!  Thank you ALL again!

January 9, 2011: This day arrived as eventually each one does.  I awoke after a sleepless night full of tossing and turning.  I think I must have peed about 8 times and drank 32 oz of water--super thirsty after the salty mexican food I guess.  We did our usual before church routine and headed off to church.  It is comforting to be in between those walls and hear the songs of praise on a day like today.  I noticed that during the sermon a woman who sits near us had tears running down her face during the message.  It was a message about loss and life.  How fitting and yet made me think I sit near her and have no clue what she may have lost this year, but I prayed for her and will continue to do so. 

After church we headed to our good friends' daughters 1st birthday.  I  have wondered how I would feel at her party on my babies birthday, but it was ok.  It was worse thinking and anticipating it than the actual party.  See, I as I said earlier God was calling me to celebrate LIFE!  What a better way than with a special little girl, who we love dearly!  It was a perfect first birthday party, of course there was the usual smash cake and presents.  But, there was also a pinatas for the older kids, yummy white chicken chilli, and many laughs with close friends and family.

Amazing enough at the birthday party Owen and I both received gifts!! I don't think that is how it is supposed to work, but hey who doesn't like presents!  I received a photo album a late birthday present from a close girlfriend and Owen received lots of wipes, a few toys and some bottles.  She covered all the necessities; some fun, something to keep him fed and something to keep him clean!    Seems like more celebration of life!

After the wonderful party, Chris and I headed to the home improvement store to purchase the tile for the bathroom renovation we (really just Chris) are undertaking.  We used all the gift cards that we had received at Christmas and only had to pay $20!  AWESOME!!

A year ago, we didn't own this house much less could have imagined we would be expecting a child and about to undertake a bathroom renovation.  As I am typing this I hear two strands of music in the background, one is the usual IPOD playing its tunes and the other is a hammer and crashing of the handicap shower seeing its last day.  See, as we are planning for this new life Neana (my mom) realized that Owen would need a bathtub and she made it so Chris couldn't say no.  Part of life is getting dirty and I can't wait to clean up my baby in his new tub.  Hopefully, this pregnant mama will get to try it out first!

It was all about celebrating life this weekend.  I didn't plan it and I didn't realize it until it happened, but I am thankful that it worked out this way. 

PS: Owen thanks for being so active this weekend I needed all your kicks and hiccups, they felt so good!