unexpected tears

This morning has been rough.  Chris and I laid in bed last night and were talking about the size of lil spark.  S/he is almost or is the size of our little Benny.  It is so amazing to "know" what lil spark looks like, but at the same time it makes me remember my babies and their faces.  I can't say enough how much I love those faces.  It hurts sometimes when family and friends say that lil spark will be our first born.  Yes in many ways that is true, but in my heart, deep inside I will never be able to forget those two faces that changed my life forever.  It doesn't bother me when people bring up my babies, in fact it makes me feel good.  Doesn't ever mother want to talk about her children.  Just because I have nothing new to report doesn't mean I think about them any less.  They became my joy after 14 months of sadness.  They gave me peace that forever I was a mother.  They showed me how special and amazing life is.  Not the life that we live, but the life that has been given to us.  The life that God breathed into us.  How can you not believe there is a God when you look at how remarkable it is that we are all standing here.  God has given Chris and I another chance at new life, a spark that is growing inside me; warming my heart.

Yesterday, I got another bill from my doctors office.  I don't hold resentment towards them for charging me for services that were given to me, but I do think that their prices are sky high.  $190 for an u/s that only took 5 minutes.  I was 10 weeks and Dr. L couldn't find lil spark's heartbeat with the doppler so she rushed us to an u/s.

I  know that now days with computers the personal aspect of things has been completely removed.  I am, however, pissed off at this health care system.  How is it fair that I had to pay over 10k after taxes for the twins prenatal and delivery?  How is it fair that I can't have maternity coverage this time around because I wasn't willing to wait till 4-2011 to add the maternity rider to my policy?  Yes, you read that correctly.  According to BCBSNC I would have to wait till November 2010 to add the policy and then wait 6 months before becoming pregnant so that the pregnancy would not be considered a "preconsisting condition".  Sounds like a load of bull doesn't it.  Technically, I will have lil spark in my arms 2 full months before I would be allowed to even start trying, how is that fair or even ethical?

I called my Dr's office this morning and spoke with a really nice woman named Kathy in Billing.  She was able to find a small loop hole and gave us a credit of $350 to our account.  This will help a little towards the anatomy u/s on the 22nd that will be about $500.  But the other part that kind of gets me is that, I could have been getting a 10% discount THIS WHOLE time if I had known to ask for it.  The waterworks started flowing as I unloaded my whole story on her.

I try not to dwell on negativity, but when everyday I open the mail and I am reminded of the fact that money is an issue.  Questions start to swarm in my head: Why do I have to have this stress of money on top of the stress of will this baby survive?  Why can some women have all their bills paid for by the state and I am left in the dust because we make just a little more than the cut off.  How is it fair that a friend only paid 1k out of pocket because her company offers a better health insurance policy.  How in the world did I make it through a 4 year college an no professor mentioned what a BIG deal benefits were?  Why didn't my parents not tell me?  Why doesn't the company I work for offer health care?  Why is is so expensive even for them as a group policy?  Why am I learning this the expensive way?  (I think 10k is an expensive lesson.)  Why are the big insurance companies allowed to get away with things that they do?  Why is health coverage not affordable?  Why can't we pay based on what we make?  Why hasn't someone figured this issue out yet?